SELF ACCEPTANCE

"Youth is a beautiful dream, on whose brightness books shed a blinding dust. will ever the day come when the wise link the joy of the knowledge of youths dream? Will ever the day came when the Nature becomes the teacher of man, humanity his book and life his school? : Khalil Gibran.."Thoughts and Meditations"

I stayed out late on the dock. Things have really been hard of late so I decided to do a little overtime. I am quite the outsider yet again but everywhere I seem to go makes me feel this way. A few visitors from the ship past by on the way to one of our local restaurants. Of course, I had been rather upset recently with negative encounters with some of the people working out on the wharf combined with my rage about the widespread corruption that has taken hold of this Nation particularly meditating on this whole drug situation that has seen a resurgence in our land...I despise it!I had painted a picture of this new Drug Lord literally in my mind as an ugly beast with horns of the devil dripping blood from his fangs taking form as a shady character lurking and hiding in dark corners. I saw this picture clearly and hating him more and more with the thought.The night held a half moon in the sky with Mars planted right next to it.I paused awhile remembering an earlier incident that made me feel sick inside. Whenever I feel lost or disappointed with myself of losing a maturity that I obviously have not cultivated.I have a tendency to do two things, either to look out into the sea or up into the sky. I guess searching for some resolve in a wider space than the feelings of my trapped circumstance.I like speaking with young people, they seem to have so much vigor about life and full of its possibilities. I know it has become so difficult for many in our present climate of political malady and the stale mate it has created within our Nation.I too feel their frustrations. I like dialoguing with them about their ideas but so many express a feeling of being stifled within their struggles to define themselves and individual identities here...it is far ranging.This is something that I feel equally at home with and with all honesty I am just coming into my own sense of self after years of confusion and frustration.I often speak about my dual heritage which has truly caused much of my waywardness in the past...simply because the world has not quite caught up.I know it has taken a long time to understand what all this was about and have spent years trying to find it everywhere except where it could only be found with myself.This journey although so simple caused much pain and anger left unresolved in my life not knowing who I was..not believing in who I was.A couple of friends and acquaintances stopped by to have a short conversation with me. I like meeting people because I have spent most of my time being alone in my private little world within this bubble of artistic safety.Art, like most artists I have met, had become my way of communicating such feelings of alienation and a venue of escape from a physical self I never truly identified with.It can become a lonely place at times often creating a secret hideaway in my world of pure fantasy... diving truth from the imagination within.There are many reasons why people are made to feel isolated today but it is common place of what artists particularly experience creating a powerful centre for the imagination.I sat quietly while waiting for people to return from dinner. Wood's Roger's walk became empty as I was left alone again so I packed up my paintings into my car and drove off. As it has become the ritual, I ran out of gasoline again along the way..I am always gracious when some kind soul takes pity on me in this circumstance but this time it came in the form of a young man who was neatly dressed. I immediately was struck by how handsome he was and how gentle his demeanor was. Yes, I thought to myself here was someone I could trust. He offered to walk along side me as I made my way to the nearest gas station. As is my normal way we began to talk about life and philosophy...He was in his early twenties and very polite but seemed to want to talk to me about his recent troubles and his anxiety about his chosen profession ...drug dealing.Aghast of course, I knew this was more than a coincidence as I had just earlier fumed with such hatred about these demons but my devil had turned out to be a young man barely out of his teens with an old man's head planted on young shoulders...By all accounts, he was a perfect gentleman. He told me about the hard times that had fallen on him lately, his life story revealing a child made to grow up fast in order to survive in the world. I have heard this story many times but had become so intolerant and desensitized to it as of late....like in most things I see happening around me but it often saddens me to hear this particular one again.We talked about philosophy, spirituality and life. I was honest about my feelings on drugs with equal fever and my reasoning why. My heart began to warm toward him as he expressed his many harsh experiences. I began to see this beautiful man speak with such sincerity and honesty about his life.I believe we are all made to experience this sense of Isolation that brings about alienation within our environment but more importantly with ourselves and each other. It is a feeling which I have always felt not really knowing where I fit in or belonged..the feelings of being alone.I have always felt this deep down, believing issues or events in my life created this vacuum within the backdrop of alienation.We spoke further about the importance of self love and how our problems are perhaps not as big as they appeared in the greater scale of things.I gazed up at the moon that I had thought of earlier pointing it out to the young man. I explained my once absurd observation about my moon metaphor and how perceptions may truly not reflect what actually was out there.I asked him.."what do you see?"..he seemed weighted down with all his problems while he shrugged and answered..."The Moon" "Which is bigger..the Moon or Mars?..I said to him quizzically..."The Moon" he replied..It was an obvious response and a logical one as the mood really does appear to be the largest of the two."No." I said, " Mars is the largest of the two but the Moon appears larger as it is closest to the earth and us"We spoke about perceptions and together while we dialogue about how things appeared to be and what truly is ...perceptions between illusions and reality and how knowledge informs the two... In hindsight our immediate understanding is a much smaller picture presented to us than the bigger picture that captures us all... As I began to pour in my gasoline, I looked at this kind and beautiful young a man who showed such courtesy while staying to see I got home safely. He like me I imagined, was searching for some avenue of acceptance and I suspect finally being loved and learning to love one's self amidst an atmosphere of rejection is the most important. I suppose that anger that follows ultimately comes from the realization that this rejection is somehow related to some form of prejudice resulting finally in self hatred.In that sense, I knew that we had taken similar journeys ...learning to love oneself with true acceptance is the hardest thing to do whoever one is as there will be many obstacles both internally and externally offering resistance to this realization.It is important that we all travel this road alone however, whomever we are because it is vital be able to love ourselves fully whatever that means..I meet a lot of people... in order to love another ..let's face it, we all need to feel loved and It is an important road toward self acceptance and the final journey I believe we must all make unconditionally by just being ourselves. I think perhaps this is what we are experiencing as a society... a scary thing considering its full implications but sometimes it is best to reject the ordered program in order to bring about reform in self and healing. We hugged each other as we parted...yes, I thought to myself honestly, he truly was a beautiful young man with such youthful vigor and such beautiful potential...and at that moment I had loved him more than than I had loved myself because his actions were born out of a sense of loss and desperation which I have too have felt occasionally..He was not the monster I had created in my mind....and again I smiled warmly at the Moon on my way back home...because all of our journeys are just simply about feeling accepted...