Identity Crisis...

When I first thought that I may be gay, which came in my early twenties, I immediately fell into an identity crisis. This was coupled with the schizophrenia of being from a bi racial background. Not only did I feel I could not identify with any particular race, I also had the additional struggle with the issue of my orientation. I valiantly attempted to hide my confusion about both. As an artist, I quickly threw myself into a myriad of cultural and political issues and continued to repress any feelings of my sexual orientation. I think I went around for a long time being embarrassed to admit I did not know what world to fit into or who I was. I suspect that is when my drinking began to become a problem. I tried my best to maintain the facade of being normal but truly was running away from facing either. It has taking me a long time to understand that self acceptance can only come when one does not allow others to dictate who one should be nor set one's agenda. It has been a difficult journey. When we look at it realistically, I am first generation Bahamian still searching for a place to identify with. I believe I have made the first step in coming to terms with my orientation and I have learned that it doesn't matter what race you are at all. Both of these conclusions have taken me a long time to understand and accept. This is hard in the world and particularly in the Bahamas where we have not dealt with any of these issues with any real sense of maturity complete with our prejudices. I hope with my dialogue I can begin to start the process of relating to issues in my own life which may also have some relevancy in our own country. I have a tendency to speak about love a lot because it is beautiful to love and very rewarding. Learning to love yourself is the greatest reward. It starts with honesty and a declaration of Independence of self. It is a new and exciting journey that I embark on and claiming space is an exciting process especially learning that no one has the right to deny it!

Free in the Sunshine...

Painting Portraits...

A life painting portraits
sketching form
I see Goddess
exalted with chisel
the arch of back
sculptured
in bone
I celebrate you
with words and images
stone flaking
chipped away to meet body
naked
bare breasted
hair flowing
into eternity
living each moment
with eye and hand...

Renderings of You...

I am full
of love poems
heart renderings
aching to say
I feel deeply
wishing to say it
always
out loud sometimes
I speak it
with my eyes
when I see you
my yearnings
feel in vain
unrequited
I am so poor
all I have
are these words
you own them now
my muse
inspiring
every syllable
These words are thoughts
becoming one
with you...

Walk....

When you walk
walk with me
pass through
them
like an eagle
taking flight
over land and sea
they wear words
like a garter
of ignorance
strip them
to bones
stand tall
high above
and beyond
this is our day
in the Sun
and moments
to shine...

Over the seas...

Being me...

I hope I have shown this transformation to be beauty, love and light. I have found this understanding of how others have perceived it to be the complete opposite. All around me sought to make it ugly, hateful and nasty through ignorance and fear. I am the same person who you trusted your children with and the one you wished a good morning to with love and affection. The decision to speak this did not come easily and I weighed it heavily against its possible repercussions particularly within my own community. I know it may change how people react to me but I did so to heal and recover. Many have wished themselves death or have self destructed simply because they could not bring themselves to admit or accept who they are. Others, like my self for many years, tried to fit into a mold of what was expected and found themselves in relationships just to conform. Power to all who may be going through this struggle whomever you are and from whatever walk. You have my greatest admiration for learning to love yourself.Sometimes it may mean letting go of things nearest and dearest to you but the gain is truly and ultimately more rewarding. I hope this in some way may bring you courage to know who you are is a road that many of us have walked down and some of us have survived. I am unorthodox and very much the artist but I see only beautiful things with this revelation and only beautiful things in those who have understood this about themselves. I am now the first to admit that it is my traditions and the way I was brought up that needs to change to embrace different perspectives on all fronts and I came from a very liberal background. Much love and respect to you and continue to be strong...

you are my sun and the flowers....

thank you for being you and just for being there...

I am learning the more I face and accept the truth about myself that there is nothing really to fear at all. It is beautiful discovering who you are and that it is nothing to be afraid of....It is about finally loving yourself...

Truth and Light will guide you home....

Seeing with new eyes...

The Dream...

Corinthians ¹³'And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.'

Last night I woke up in a sweat after a long dream. I have gone into painful detail of how I have become an Atheist only recently becoming confirmed in the Anglican Church but after last night perhaps I am more the agnostic or just screwed up psychologically. After my last entry onto my blog yesterday, things were going so terribly particularly financially that I was convinced that there could not be an existence of a God. I hated everyone! So I went home early from my usual coffee time at Starbucks and went straight to bed. I soon fell into a deep sleep and found myself in an old Anglican church in a dream. Around me were the parishioners and several priests with my mother who just recently passed sitting in a pew in the front of them. The environment was hostile and the Congregationalists resented my presence there in the Church. My mother, a devout Anglican, sat patiently as one of the Priests behind her searched his Book of prayers to use against me. She sat there and listened quietly as he recited from the Bible then began to match him prayer for prayer without one. It was if a spiritual battle was taking place with my mother as my protector through prayer and I heard her vividly recall the name of the prayers she was countering on my behalf particularly passages from Corinthians. Although I have trouble with Paul's writings particularly regarding the roles of woman in the Church, Corinthians predominantly concerns itself with pride and occupation with social status. Paul says “love never fails,” or perhaps more accurately, “love never ends” The Church people had only become concerned about themselves and who came out on top, and it was ruining their testimony before unbelievers. They would eventually be judged by Angels. Corinthians are where there are some of the most beautiful passages relating to love.
The Congregation stopped full breast in amazement then watched my mother reel off these prayers one right after the other. She then said that these prayers were her body. I woke up suddenly with palpitations . I myself have been a great believer in prayer and could be often seen walking around with my tattered Anglican prayer book until quite recently. This does not change the fact that I am gay in any way, in fact it gave me strength and hope with these revelations. The Anglican and Episcopalian Church around the world has been the leaders in promoting gay civil unions and ordaining homosexual and women priests but sadly there has been slow change on our shores like many Caribbean and African Nations which are steeped in strong Traditions complete with homophobia. I still believe that life should be about living, loving and the right to self determination. Our Institutions have become far too antiquated here and are imploding. They seem more interested in holding onto the mantle of power. Hopefully the Church will catch up with more progressive times but for now as agnostic you will probably see me with my Anglican prayer book. I don't know if I could ever be a part of this Church here ever again but once an Anglo- Catholic, always a Anglo-Catholic. My mother's message I believe was to be myself and be happy with that. You will find love by seeking love. So should she be listening somewhere, thank you for your prayers...

Belly up....

This has been a terrible time economically...I might need to get another job and soon. I think I may miss painting out on the wharf. I have met a lot of interesting people and it has been wonderful being my own boss and being able to hold my status as an artist. I have learned much from an eclectic bunch of people. I will try to maintain being there for as long as I can but I don't know if I can keep it up based on what is happening with our economy. Sadly, it is those who have their own business or is an entrepreneur who may be the first to crumble under such a weight. We shall see and I now wish I believed in a God to pray to....I suspect this is all character building and I will try to gather strength to see it through. All I know is art saves me and it is a necessity not a luxury. This is a brutish time but I am not a person who is afraid of hard work...so to back the grind and mill!

Freedom to climb...

Breaking with the past....

It is important to emphasize why it is necessary for me to break with the past. I am encouraged by much of what I see developing on the front of a newer generation. It is giving breath to diversity both intellectually,culturally and racially in the Bahamas. I come from a heritage that is deeply embedded in the past. This served us well over many generations but today with a new educated class things and times have changed. Perhaps I am just catching up with this change but I am truly hopeful by people I encounter everyday. Much of the violence I see emerging here I believe is an unfortunate reaction to this change from old to new but it is necessary to embrace it for our overall development and growth. I really do believe it has been my blessing not to have lived in the Bahamas for all these years as I am often confused by our divisions having to live among people of many diversities and perspectives. It is important to embrace the civil rights and liberties that comes with the many. I am not afraid to admit that as a Black people we have been slow to acknowledge on any real advancement on these fronts and that has been world wide and in all of our countries particularly were we hold that majority of interests. The Bahamas is a Nation not a culture which holds many peoples from many walks. In claiming my true 'self' I now see myself among the many and not just the one. With this revelation I have found it necessary to break with my Traditions which now almost hangs like an albatross around my neck. I see no need to continue to fight these unnecessary wars of division when there are definitely people who wish to break those cycles of the past...I think I shall follow their example....

Biggest Obstacle...

I believe the biggest obstacle I am facing about all these new and personal revelations about myself is having no shame in being gay.This is difficult when all around makes one feel that most of all. It is on the tongue and lip of everybody it seems. It is a hard journey to transcend all about you when your very environment forces one into self-denial. When I realized that I would never change or grow out of this, I searched everywhere testing out whether I would find acceptance within my immediate community and that fundamentally were with friends and family- the people I grew up with. I still have not had the courage to admit this to them openly preferring to live in the delusion of how they have perceived me my entire life. I think my greatest fear was disappointing everybody but I have lived in two worlds, the private world which hid my deep secret and the persona I have presented myself to be. Both are me although have been divided within the schism of my ultimate self-acceptance. I am courageous on my blog I think because I don't believe very many people read it but there will come a time when I will have to face both family and friends either by them just finding out or me confessing to them the truth...I have very little faith that my larger community will ever be able to accept this nor my right to be myself. It is, however, important for me to no longer live the lie that I hid so well over all these years. I had to speak it after all the awful, bigoted things I was hearing all around me and nasty presumptions. Perhaps one day I shall eventually find love because that is what it is about being able to love and love honestly. I have had one failed marriage and several bad relationships not quite understanding why they never worked out. I realize now that they were all destined to fail as I would never had found true happiness with any of them living in this lie...Today I take pride in my 'truth' although it may take some time to get used to the idea after being programed to look down on the very thing I have had to hide my entire life...it is those ties I wish to sever to break from that painful past. So for anyone who may be reading this and are going through similar struggles, I say be strong and take tiny steps but I think the first step is truly just self- acceptance....

Revolving doors....

Caught in
revolving doors
lost
spinning
turning
dizzy
too fast
half way
from there to here
pushing forward
on the way out
only one way
ahead
truth...

I mean to love...

I mean to love
regardless
igniting this torch
sulfa with sand
scratched
against decision
yours not mine
I've spoken
loving with words
a tool
etching out feelings
speaking truths
bearing soul
burdened with desires
released by
breath...
my poem
is song for you...

Clarification on Race...

I mean to clarify what I mean when I say that I have experienced racism in the Black community. It must be said that I talk predominately in the Intellectual arts and cultural community whose job it is has been to provide avenues reshaping our cultural landscape. I get along wonderfully with my black community both men and women outside of these political circles...this has been to emphasize that discrimination and bigotry can happen in any community anywhere irrespective of race. I know when I shared with a young Black activist that I was doing 'Rise' his immediate response was that I was a part of the ' gay keeping mulatto class'. Again, how does anyone respond to those types of prejudices?...they exist. Certainly, there are most definitely present and historical pains that must be aired and acknowledged but there should be a consensus to heal from pain without hatred. I hope this has clarified my reasoning and statements....and I do not intend to leave the Bahamas until both projects are completed which mean to challenge these notions of discrimination. The very tenant of the faith (love and forgiveness free of judgment) which Bahamians contend to be about, are so far off the mark from this. There is 'fire in the belly' and the battle has just begun!

Fighting Prejudice...

It is hard to name the true nature of prejudice within this society as there are so many. I know as a mulatto here my mother being white and English and my father Black Bahamian I have had to hide many pain of things said about me and her over the years merely because of our ethnical make up in a predominantly black community. As a woman of mixed heritages I had my struggles with identity often being offended by presumptions made about me without a 'voice' to speak back. Discriminated and often excluded by many black woman in particular, I have remained 'voiceless' within this society because our voice does not matter and that seeming a natural order to most. This sadly is continually exploited by the politicians here both men and women for political gain and power often manifesting itself in collective ideologies which are forced onto others without the respect of diversity . I have gone along with what was being said simply to be included or for the most part have often chosen to live outside of this community away from such prejudices. It has been a blessing in disguise as I have learned to eventually stand strong amidst many personal battles which I feel those that exploit this have not done with any true empowerment nor intellectual growth. All of this is tied up in the most recent revelations I have made about my orientation because it is about not being afraid within the back drop of all this intimidation and fear of how we are forced to socially organize here...so for women of all back grounds I say be strong and have the courage to claim your 'voice' irrespective of those who try to deny it based on their bigotries and prejudices. They have no right to deny anyone and the ideology of that back should be culturally,racially and politically broken...I suspect I too am being an ideologue imagining a better day where race, class or orientation can collectively come together in the Bahamas for a new and better way foreword. I have hopes with a younger generation who do not carry such a heavy load of the past....

The span of Wings...

It is good to be who you are without hiding, unashamed and living in the Sun shine...

I shall continue to follow the paths of poets.....

Being Gay.....

HONESTY...

I suspect the next step is to explain myself , my travels and journey. It is good to be very honest at this point. This project has made me face myself in the deepest and profoundest ways to the core of what I believe and who I am often buried deep away from everything...If anyone has followed this insanity and the paths I have gone down, it has been about stating a world view which now I must face with honesty and truth. These have been my stepping stones and have encompassed many faiths and perspectives. As fundamentally a Christian, I have chosen to sacrifice the very meaning of who i am because it is unacceptable in my faith which ran deep within me and that is being gay. I never thought I would ever have the courage to admit this openly nor the courage to challenge my faith which came before everything. I suspect I do this now out of survival...so there you have it with honesty- I am gay. It has been a struggle to come to terms with this which has taken years for me to accept. It has not been easy. I do it still with fear but with the courage to admit it. Perhaps there is still much for me to understand but I do so now without hiding or running away through escape...peace, love and respect....continue to strive to be who you are!

I Believe....

I believe in love
the sum total
of the heart
and what it gives
the passing of blood
its fathomless depths
in loving another
I have felt
the beat of its wind
and it has set me free
I believe in that
the song of poetry
encompassing the world
and all there in
I believe in you...
after the darkness
living in solitary
the sun revealing
its passions
hidden behind
colorless shades
promises of love
brings us nearer
to that truth...
I believe
in Walt Whitman
every Atom yours
and mine
faith in those newer eyes
I reclaim it
full bosomed
guiltless
I believe in this
in life until death...
is this enough to fill
heaven's claim
on earth
and claim that
all for you before or else
and with that
claim myself...

Flight of the Great Eagle...

FEARLESS...

Peace and Love...

Peace and Love...

True love cannot happen without equality and peace should not happen because it is contained through fear!

FEMINISTS....

I have to say that the feminists have won me over in their struggle for equal rights not only world-wide but more immediately in this unfair and unjust system here. We insist in an order where men hold the dominant control for just about every Institutional organization but where woman uphold them in those posts. This stems from a fragmented community where the men appear be at a loss without that absolute and 'divine' authority. What is even more tragic is when a more educated and empowered population attempts to make constructive changes for a more progressive way foreword out of this living hell, they are denied right of entry in these various Institutional bodies. Women have their own voices and a right to self determination over their own bodies even when they are taught to subliminally except this order of subjugation which traditionally has sustained itself through abuse. Both men and women need an understanding of liberation here. None of us irrespective of race, class, sex or orientation need to accept this order of power and authority. We each have the right to meet inequity with equality.....

Meeting Inequity with EQUALITY....

WOMAN

Rebirth

LIBERATION

FREEDOM...

ATHIEST....

I have have begun to question how systems are put into place in terms of hierarchy and orders of power. As a woman I have realized how I have allowed others particularly men to have that autonomy over me in the name of God and religion and in the context of where I have been socialized, them believing it is their divine right. This is about being contained within an order of oppression where I have been brought up to think that a child cannot question their parents without the threat of violence or a wife, her husband or question a system of authority that runs society without being a pariah. These are where the greatest abuses of power take place. I should not have had to go through such fears to introduce an alternative idea within a community with these feelings of retribution. These fears ran deep within my consciousness and in my society. The ultimate fear being violence. Although I have always seen things within a spiritual light I have realized that a new system of equality for me must happen without an autonomous omnipotent God. Therefore I have become, much to my amazement, an Atheist. It has become the great equalizer in my life that has empowered me to meet life on life's terms as well as see myself as an equal among the powers I felt entrapped within...So as a new born non- believer i wish you peace love and respect. It is easier to be human when your not trying to play God!

Now...TO BE!

I AM

Coming to womanhood...

Coming to womanhood
with love and affection
meeting the erotic
in body
free from censorship
proclaiming gold...
unveiled
bare skinned
bold in nakedness
the individual person
seizing self...

Approaching Woman...

FREE FALLING.........................
LIFE IS A CREATIVE PROCESS....

BOX DISINTEGRATING!

Martin Luther King Jr...

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies , but the silence of our friends"....."Hatred paralyzes life: love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it."

This is about Civil Liberties and liberating life civilly !

REBEL, REBEL
rebel against a system
that teaches one to always hate
rebel against a people
who build walls to separate
for all who do not share
or are blinded by the glare
of a guiding light
that only sees self
for only its self sake
rebel, rebel
spin the wheel
contrary to the wind
they blow...
stand firm to let them know
they are the ones to blame
while they castigate each other
to bring each other down to shame
is it black or white
or rich or poor?
none and all
rebel, rebel
against your sisters
and your brothers and your sons
let them know you well..
that you believe in love....
stand up in your rightness
to let them know
it is they who live in fear
as they turn their nose upright
while they mock and while they jeer
let the walls they build around them
fall down with their despair
from a lack of knowledge
of not knowing how to be free
there is a price to freedom
seeing each other equally
so cut their chains and shackles
as they try to bind your feet
let them know
let them know
you are free...

Homosexuality...

I was truly inspired by doing our first interview for 'Rise'. Margot is a wonderful interviewer and if you have the chance try to catch her show 'Makin' it!' on Island FM on Tuesday's at 7.00pm to 8.00pm to hear talk about new and innovative ideas and works relevant to the Bahamian reality. She provides an important outlet for voices that may normally be stifled within this society.
Homosexuality is never an easy subject to approach based on all the personal fears and those surrounding it in society. I met an American woman down at the Wharf where I do my paintings who was gay. I told her what I was doing but made the unfortunate mistake of saying that our main character in the play chooses his lifestyle. She looked at me and retorted that she had struggled with this issue for over twenty years then blurted 'Who chooses this?'..This play is much more than being gay but rather the struggle one encounters in self- realizing in what is 'natural' to them. It is about being human throughout the fears and facing them with courage.

The term 'body politics' refers to the practices and policies through which powers of society attempt to regulate social, sexual and Religious control over the body. It was coined by the feminists in the early sixties and seventies but applies to everyone as far as I am concerned...The powers at play in body politics include institutional powers expressed in government and laws, traditional and cultural attitudes. Individuals engage in body politics when people are denied rights to control their own bodies. The struggle for equal rights emphasizes an individual's power and authority over their own body.

It is amazing that in today's age that we are still conflicted with the idea of having authority over our own bodies and who we self determine to be with at a point of that. Far too often we allow others or Institutional bodies to decide this for us rather than empowering ourselves to control ourselves for ourselves. That individual choice is ultimately our own and where the struggle for equal rights comes in amidst these restrictions whether psychological or inflicted by Law..It is a journey learning to trust oneself and who one is. What two consenting adults do within the privacy of their own home is their own business! It is alright to have the partner of your choice and one's absolute right....Life is not a box and you don't have to live in one!
Only in facing one's fear, can one truly be free...Be free and RISE!