MOVING ON
A few years back I lost a brother. He was a fine mentor and great talent and like most tortured artists, a very difficult person to get along with. I loved him dearly and there is not one day where I have not thought about him in his short but vibrant life.The death or rather the physical loss of a loved one can be the hardest thing to overcome. As an artist, academic and a student of culture, I have always looked to the external world to discover 'self' but with this passing came the realization that these things which I had spent almost twenty years pursuing now seemed so out of place. I felt driven to search deeper for truth.My questions were complex and the answers more sincere than the ones that I had so presciously chased after before . I asked the proverbial questions about God, the meaning of life and its purpose. Everything at that moment appeared futile. Even the act of being a creative artist or art istself which I always held with such high priorities seemed unimportant and trivial. Reasoning itself felt irrelevant. Losing the presence of an individual that had been a stepping stone throughout my life seemed surreal against the backdrop of this new reality. Feelings of helplessness followed by a vulnerabilty in a situation of which I had absolutley no control over. All my journeys of trying to make sense out of everything seemed senseless.These are common things I suppose that people go through during such times. This time it was happening to us and me and I was faced with a real sense of mortality and the loss became simultaneously a loss of myself with the added insecurity of losing others. My life had changed whether I knew it then or not.Still as I think back on my brother's vivacious and feroscious appetite for life, I realized yet another awful cliche which I will dare to repeat... that life is too damned short not to enjoy it in all its fullness. This is as prescious as the breath in our bodies and equally as vital..perhaps that is what God wished me to understand after all these years of searching and to understand this most of all with appreciation and gratitude...and when it is your time to leave this mortal's life, it is simply your time


DREAM VISITATIONS
According to our traditons when someone dies they often seek to communicate with you through dreams. Whether or not this is true I am not qualified to comment on but along with the passing of my brother followed a succession of visions and scenarios played out sporadically in dreams for a couple of months after his death.These visitations discontinued after a year that is until the other evening when he unexpectedly popped up again looking as self- assured and as confident as he had always done in life. Of course, I was happy to see him again and there he was as vivid and as clear as ever.. I gushed out how much I loved and missed him much to my conscious embarassment, something I would never have the courage to admit during his lifetime.For whatever reason whether psychological, emotional or even spiritual, I was elated to see him again, connecting an everyday thought with sight.It is also said within our tradition that spirits don't like being spoken to during such encounters as they don't like being reminded that they are dead and will dissappear immediately only to reappear later with equal confidence so I watched quietly as my dream continued. When I awoke, I pondered on the cryptic message that may have been being conveyed.Suffice to say, it settled my confused state of mind grappling with unresolved issues. I knew afterwards that I should never be afraid of me or the direction where life or circumstances were leading me.But most of all, I was glad I finally got the opportunity to tell him that I loved him...even in a dream it seemed satisfactory as death often takes one by surprise it seems and we seldom get the chance to say goodbye properly with love...The meaning of the message I will stay quiet about for the moment but I now know that we are truly never ever alone on this earth or in this life nor abandoned without some guidng presence...and I felt relieved and satisfied of not having the responsibility of having to work this damned thing called life all out for myself...