Neruda's eyes...

Tonight I write
Neruda's saddest lines
I look with sad eyes
into an overcast sky
shivering in its grey
cold grey
How lonely
the seagull looks
in his solitary flight
above the boiling sea
The water's illusive grip
on the shores
is like my love
for you
I sink with the waves
into the ocean's
dark mysteries...


Pablo Neruda was a Chilean poet and politician. His real name was Neftalí Ricardo Reyes Basoalto. Neruda wrote in a variety of styles such as the erotically charged love poems 'Twenty Poems of Love and a song of Despair'

One soul...

I have made
my soul
one
breast and breath
I have made
my love
one
you and the sky
I search
for a line
to know its end
it goes on
love goes on
you go on
with soul's
immortal flow...

The human heart...

The human heart
from time immemorial
has searched
with equations
and angles in mind
our meaning
a struggle
to know
that greater part
us being finite
and this eternal...

A heart's song...

Sorry that
I lack restraint
the delicacy
It must be off putting
to know
that you affect me
this way
I need to be
with love
in tune
always with words
that speak
a heart's song
It is my way
This destitute artist
needs a home
a place
to live her feelings
if you ever forget me
know that I have built
a castle for you...

Poetry and art....

It is risky writing poetry as it reveals so much about the individual and leaves one exposed and vulnerable-it is one's truth. I have many themes and repeated images in my writing. I ask the great looming cosmic questions of who am I and why I am I here, who or what is God. My philosophy is pantheistic, i.e, a doctrine that equates God with the forces of the laws of the Universe. I believe in the infinite. This is interspersed with human experiences and lack of understanding about it all. Light and dark are very important shades as well as a spectrum of colors revealing life and emotions, moods and feelings. I use it to paint the sky indicating a wider scope of vision beyond our world and human existence - of life and death. Music is essential as I struggle to hear the sounds of the music of the sphere's. I listen to it when I write always as a backdrop to mood and sentiment. The sense of the artist in alienation is repeated throughout my poems which is a common theme with writers down through the ages. Love is a big theme or my lack of it as I see it as the center of all creation. I strive for its allusive touch with romantic yearnings - mirror's cracking, masks or glass breaking is about destroying the illusion or the search for a greater hidden truth behind a facade. It is getting to the core of truth which is just beyond reach. Water or streams flowing endlessly is a metaphor for eternity with infinite time and space interwoven. I use as common symbols of flowers, the moon and the Sun- the highest symbols reflecting human ideals. It reveals feminine and masculine energy taking flight with the imagination. There are many other repeated images as a striving toward understanding a greater truth hidden behind my illusion. It is important to be honest with oneself to strip that to its core. I present the creative ideal in a search to return to its center. I find redemption in loss but art is what we do with life to survive it. To place something in a 'bowl' means there is a larger space outside of it which cannot be held as it is too vast but provides that freedom to overcome. It is Agape (unconditional love), that which goes beyond our experiences and control but holds and embodies us instead. Dylan Thomas, the famous twentieth century Welsh poet, exclaimed that one should write poems about the 'kitchen sink'. It exemplifies how extraordinary ordinary things can become with the divine act of creation. I reserve my right to change at any time my feelings and views regarding all of what I have said in order to develop and grow as an artist..peace...

Phantom's mask...

A phantom's mask
hides with illusion
a fool's paradise
shadowing the soul
dissembling
in camouflage
its face
and affected air...

Empty Chair...

Careless trips
along a tight wire
into the arms
of an empty chair
The heart needs to love
who loves it
Caught in the middle
moving closer
toward that
dark corner
of disappointment...

Modernity and flesh of life...

I am beginning to understand why 'Modernity' may fail while trying to understand how it fits into the flesh of the human experience and why I may have come to a creative impasse regarding my paintings and visual expression- my creative block. I did not know where to go with it next. They lack now a personality and warmth of human feeling. Certainly, it is important to realize that there is a higher reality from how we exist but it is essential to keep human contact while striving toward this goal otherwise we may only become cold, impersonal machines that reflect a sterility. This does sound a little bit like the modern age. The soul is more than energy and light and shape and form. It is full of emotions that show our frailty. It encompasses us as total human beings in the back drop of life. I am beginning to think that I was a better 'flawed' artist before giving up drinking and have found it difficult to find that stream of freedom and spontaneity that came easily when I did. I am, however, a better person to be around and my ability to intellectually grow creatively with more clarity has expanded. I do not wish to abandon my search of how I have concluded to free lines for greater creative freedoms nor disregard simple form as there is much truth in it relating to the universe but the difference between art and science is that art should be a reflection of the soul. It should touch humanity that express the personal experience. It is having the courage to be vulnerable and naked in the moment. I believe Science helps to explain art and human existence but science alone is not enough. Its limitation is that it cannot reflect the soul nor love. That is why it may appear too impersonal. Love is the center of true art and its balance with creation. I often gush with emotions freely but I think it takes tremendous growth to expose the heart to risk failing. That is the human experience and living the truth. The other cold impersonal me that is being reflected in my art presently is not working and is the wrong direction. I feel empty in its execution and results. It should go to follow that I should at least become a better technical artist when having my emotions removed from the experience but the opposite has happened and I find it a has been a chore to paint anything.I am not the best technician or drafts man and certainly there are better artists than I who paint better pictures. My aim is to develop a personal style as an artist based on creative freedoms that is unique to my experience as a human being. It is about my striving toward liberation. I believe I have done well in that journey thus far but I need to risk 'me' more beyond my hidden fears -that dark star that omits no light. Art for me is synonymous with my individual identity. It takes time to develop both with maturity and I am not happy nor complete without the other. If my creativity is not there, I become dysfunctional as a person. I guess that is still my flaw. The struggle continues...peace and love....

Never grow tired...

I hope
you never
grow tired
of poems
or poetry
I am a poet
I forever see them
in the heart
pulling them
like a magician
pulls candy
and flowers
out of a hat
stringing pearls
on a neck-less
as gift to you...

Pushing through...

Pushing through
making strides
within the limits
of mind
in soulful visions
I see far
with imagination
stretching it
farther
Can I reach
its bounds?
It is the passage
not its destination
that matters
to bring
understanding...

Moonlight...

On the light
of the moon
rising
with the sky
sacred poetry
where lovers meet
catching dreams
I long to be there
walking its path
sitting
on the edge
dipping feet
into clouds...

Guitar riff...

for Andy Mckee
Drifting
to the sound
of a guitar riff
carried in a current
care less
carefree
on ward bound
to sail away...

Heart of Identity...

The more I think about it I believe one's true identity is the heart. I have spent many years exploring facets of this from a cultural or even a racial perspective particularly as an artist but as I get older I am beginning to realize that none of these identities really matter to me. This was an important search I embarked on and do not regret any of it. Some of it was done out of anger, others were through personal confusion- I wanted not to be ashamed of who I was. I have met many wonderful people and discovered things which I may not have done had I not taken this road. I feel the need now to close this chapter in my life and begin again without this being an issue at all. Is this possible in our world which strives on the divisions of the politics of identics? I am not a big player in that game and my opinion seems not to matter. It has very little relevancy in my life with the people I know but admittedly they are predominately black. I never see them as that which is my point just people I know. It is the heart that counts and how we relate to each other. For me that is the important point and everything else is irrelevant...peace

Petals beneath your feet...

Soft petals
beneath your feet
while you walk
spreading gold dust
you shine
from within
I live
loving you
your flaxen hair
and bright eyes
calling me to attention
when you come...

More to say...

what more
can I say?
I am full
with these
expressions
of love
I think now
just say it
'I love you'
the dignity
with which
you hold yourself
How long
can I go on
loving you?
I will wait
until
I can't wait
any longer
I hope always
and forever...

Make a poem...

I am not happy
unless I make
a poem for you
it completes
me being
I am overjoyed
when I see you
A spark simmering
these feelings
under the slow heat
of passion
I create pictures
to hold
your image
to keep you near
may be
one day I'll succeed
may be not
but I'll keep trying
scribbling words down
with the hope
you will hear them....

peace...

A song for tomorrow....

In a moment
a backward glance
sees sorrow
in yesterday
Blood moon
pales the evening red
in the sky
war's aftermath
a people
living
within calamity
belly sunken
generations fall
prey
to vultures
stripping it
like an abandoned carcase
I look forward
as blinding eyes
crack visions
of the past
we'll walk on
through the day's haunting
in this song
for tomorrow...

Yamacraw...

Shore spreading
along the coast
Yamacraw's sea
crashing spray
against
the ocean's wall
high tide
washes the beach
in moonlight
at dusk
warm currents
flow underneath
withdrawing
with the tide...

God is 'zero' which is infinity...

It is the language of mathematics and spirituality. 'The width of the length of infinity cannot be obtained and it knows no bounds. Upon finding the solutions, new questions are posed'.'Zero' mathematically can appear to be nothing or everything according to one's perception.'It is Modernity and a super-reality of perception, not an abstract! God= Zero!

Solely you, wholly you...

Can I please you
writing poetry
always
solely for you,
wholly for you?
nothing else
to occupy mind
but you?
spend
a life time with it
in every moment
expressing you?
This forbidden fruit
I nurture
in a nest
of fragile eggs
incubating love
to be born
within the warmth
of a poet's passion
A lonely sufferer
courting
unsuccessfully
against your
bashful indecision
for me
to remain
this solitary voice...

Because, it is so...

I imagine
spinning
expanding outward
my consciousness
because it is so
curving
in the cosmos
through its pathways
holding absolute
and random effects
I place love
into its light
like a petal
in the hands
of God
sensing your heart
moving into
the heavens
there I feel
the constant you
free
with being
loving you everywhere
unfettered
because it is so...

The Production of 'Rise'...

I have spent the last year facing my fears, spouting aphorisms and leaping with faith into my imagination. It was a difficult year as these deep fears and insecurities were reflected in my creative visual work and I became impotent at times. I still am struggling with getting back to a creative state with which to do my paintings after losing my footing. These fears were also released through my inner thoughts onto these blog entries. I started with the announcement that I was going to write and direct a play about homosexuality entitled 'Rise' with the image of a bird in flight. It was me admitting my own orientation and set forth with dedication to see this project completed. Efforts now are going into seeing it realized on stage. I held onto my spirituality with tenacity to help me through the process. I feared most of all doing a play like this in our Country. I felt exposed and vulnerable. This is my pilot project after giving up drinking after years of abuse. It is important to see it through to its end for many reasons. It is a good play and it is written with a sexual candor that before I may have avoided. So I am now back to where I started.It is a personal triumph regardless of how it is received and I have approached it with body and soul. I am half way there now as it must now find its way into production. I am inspired and know already its most important success, my having the courage to do it!...peace...

'Rise' Fund Raiser...

We are getting closer to making our Theatre/Dance project 'Rise' a reality and within the next eight weeks shall be giving a Fund raising event @ the Hub in a massive effort to get our show produced. I do not know exactly at this time the date that it will be held but will let you know as soon as that is finalized. We welcome your support and your attendance. We intend to go all out with a progressive program to use the play as a positive voice for gay unity and pride.I feel such 'voices' are needed in our country. I would wish to publicly thank Margot Bethel (Hub and 'Makin' it' radio host) for her continued valuable support. Look forward to seeing you then....

Quick sand...

You made
me fall hard
in love
with the idea
of us
then left
me sinking
quickly
into the sand
feet without ground
so many differences
separate
do they matter?
May be
I see love as a
symphony
requiring all parts
the differences
and the same
point
and counter point
I'll play on
with this note
'love being
the highest key'...

Schizophrenic moment...

I had a schizophrenic moment last evening and a voice came to me saying...'what am I attempting to prove with all this?' I suspect it is my search for 'truth' that drives me and also I believe sincerely in a single state where all things are possible - the universe reflecting that creative reality. I was in recovery and needed healing. I needed to look at the world again without its poison that I had allowed to discolor my vision of it. I also found that I don't need to have enemies any longer and to just leave those whom I disagree with alone. I see this constant unified state in consciousness as a way to live. It is being free of the bondage of false emotions which are really centered in the ego. Love is the only true state and all else are extensions of an insecure self. I wish to get to that stage to physically reflect this in my art and live it as a person. How does one get 'there'? I think just by being natural and true to oneself. It is the path to happiness.As children most people experience this state naturally unfettered. It is why I love being around the innocence of them. It is why I believe my art started to resemble that of a child's. I questioned my understanding of faith and religion which needed to expand and grow and which inhibited my progress and growth. So here are some of the reasons why I embarked on this journey. I lived my life as an eclectic mix of people and things and wished to connect it all to something..peace to you on your path to happiness. If you are struggling with issues of your orientation in particular, know you have the full support of me as it can be something that can make you feel quite alone in its search to trying to understand it...peace and love...

The Theory of Everything...

Galileo

'[The universe] cannot be read until we have learnt the language and become familiar with the characters in which it is written. It is written in mathematical language, and the letters are triangles, circles and other geometrical figures, without which means it is humanly impossible to comprehend a single word.'
Opere Il Saggiatore p. 171.

I am finding that I am looking more into the science of physics rather than other artists to find spiritual answers relating to the mind of God and the key to unlocking the mysteries of the universe. I am not a scientist and approach this with humility hoping to understand strictly as a lay person. It is where my creative mind has led me.These are three books which I am beginning to advance my understanding of life and the science of why we are here....

The Essential Galileo...'Galileo, was an Italian physicist, mathematician, astronomer and philosopher who played a major role in the Scientific Revolution. His achievements include improvements to the telescope and consequent astronomical observations. Galileo has been called the "father of modern observational astronomy", the "father of modern physics", the "father of science", and "the Father of Modern Science". Stephen Hawking says, "Galileo, perhaps more than any other single person, was responsible for the birth of modern science."'

'Unified Filed study' Albert Einstein-'In physics, a unified field theory (occasionally referred to as a "uniform" field theory is a type of field theory that allows all that is usually thought of as fundamental forces and elementary particles to be written in terms of a single field. There is no accepted unified field theory. It remains an open line of research. The term was coined by Einstein, who attempted to unify the general theory of relativity with electromagnetism, hoping to recover an approximation for quantum theory. A "theory of everything" is closely related to unified field theory, but differs by not requiring the basis of nature to be fields, and also attempts to explain all physical constants of nature.'

A Brief History in Time and the theory of everything...Stephen Hawking 'is an English theoretical physicist and cosmologist, whose scientific books and public appearances have made him an academic celebrity.' His books examines Einstein's 'unified field'. He set out to prove the theory of everything with Einstein's theory of relativity and quantum mechanics.

The old chestnut...

The dim lit room
conceals the silence
An old drawer
discarded
lay quiet
in a corner
with wooden frame
timeworn
A lace curtain
drifts past
brushing along its edge
lifting dust
to settle
on the old chestnut...

At a loss...

I am now at a loss as what to produce regarding my visuals as tourist items. I am uninspired and lack some sort of vision of where to go next with it. With the other vendors around me, I feel the need to now take a different tact regarding how I market my wares- to become more professional with how I present myself out there on the wharf and diversify. It is good practical sense just in being able to make a living. I do have an adverse reaction to it all however and react to being a part of a main stream anything, hence it is why I am out there to begin with. I am stubborn and want to try to be successful without many if not all of the artists around me. I do know all of them from the most accomplished to the up and coming. I am more inspired talking with a younger generation who are open to what I have to say creatively as a Modern artist. Perhaps it is simpler to do 'commercial' art and one that appeals to a general sensibility, there is an instant feed back which is good for the ego. I really don't know how to compete in this market. I become stagnant and unproductive if I am competing with someone else. It is why I wish to get into a studio to develop my own personal style with other themes relating to my inner consciousness rather than 'surface' art which just relies instant visual approval. I must begin to make being out there profitable however with a practical business sense. I find I do need this also to feel fulfilled. It is not that I am against doing it and find I can enjoy that part of it as well but I need to find a balance to let these other thoughts come through. There is much I have touched on as an artist in the past few months that I wish to now develop further creatively..I can also grow within the aesthetic of commercial art. Each can uplift the other. Anyway, I shall see what happens 'cause broke don't feel good and last year's difficulties has aged me physically. I am truly tired!...Peace and love...

Mysterious garden...

A web
of climbing limbs
to tree tops
where leaves
over look
a glass lake
on a rocky edge
dusk painting clouds peach
in the evening sky
A wood dove
rests high
elevated
within the bramble
in this
mysterious garden
his hooting song
brings in
a cloak to cover
the day...

Eastern Shores...

Waves ripple in
flowing toward
the eastern shore
in milky crests
a copious mind settles
along the rocks
with gusts of wind
Far into the horizon
blue meets blue
as sea meets sky
in an unbroken stream
of Tantric dreams...

Tantra represents the interconnecting energies between all things in this and other planes of existence.

Creation itself...

I will write
a love poem
beautiful
as creation itself
call out your name
to hold it tight
surrendering
with the breeze
I want to understand
these words
part of my living flesh
to always be
within those sounds
in gentle
sweet embrace...

Against your heart...

I wish to brush
against your heart
caress your breath
to touch its air
it is invisible
like I
I use emotions
full of blood
tangible and real
but fingers run
through grains of sand
a farther stroke
from you...

This line of life...

This line of life
lasts only
a moment
rapid and transient
as the sea
a fleeting glimpse
into a fugitive hour
to dance
upon its waves
This mortal fool
knows not when
the hour meets
the second
to feel eternity
I have no fears
to know this time
and exist
in thoughts
divine...

Sincerity of 'self'

Painting by Mary Southdart

I have just searched through my blog entries since 2010 and am amazed at the things I have revealed on it. I don't know where my courage came from or if I should have done what I did at all. It has happened now and I suspect I unveiled the unusual mechanisms in my mind. I am an artist so it is always about risking being open about your 'truth' however absurd it may appear. I have a complex way of looking at the world but all was essential to my identity as a human being. My spirituality is very important ( it is where I wish to create from) I had to see myself a total being even as a political animal at times. I have worked in many areas as an artist and there were always political and philosophical reasons for doing whatever I did, hopefully reflecting my humanity. It is difficult to sit still and find out what that means without trying to 'save' the world. I am growing up. I had to deal with myself without the continued pontification of my views which has driven my ambitions into action. I am getting older now and just wish to see the world through art and the creative experience without 'me' getting in the way all the time. It is time to love earnestly with the sincerity of 'self'. I am really bad at relationships as I allow other less relevant things to get in the way. I needed to find out what was really important to me as love is the only thing worth the effort in understanding. This may sound hokey but it is what I am attempting to really transcend to - I have a long way to go. I discovered I am no Buddhist but respect it. All this to say that it was important to admit my orientation to myself and others before I leave this planet. I suspect others would have handled it differently. It is time now to rest a moment to reflect on what that means with everything else going on in my head and heart. If nothing else, I have written a diary about it all without leaving anything unturned. It is my epitaph when I am gone and my homage to 'truth' as a human being...peace...

In the spheres...

In the spheres...

Healing heart
keeping love
within the spheres
letting go
crossing clouds
going higher...

Heart of the Universe and other stories...

I have transcended much in my self which is beginning to reflect in my art or at least in my writing and poetry. I have yet to begin to understand what this means with regards to my visuals by using as my center the universe to reach into its spheres. I have the ability to state the obvious but all is in transition. Here is where universal principles are met and physical boundaries are non- existent. I will continue to create from all themes but will attempt to incorporate a wider understanding in relationship to a universal consciousness - love being its source. From here one can create a dissonance or be in harmony and touch on all matters that affect the human soul with all of its emotions and experiences. It is where I believe creativity in centered. My work in the past in whatever I have done has been about the creative process and I needed to begin to understand its origins. I went back into the universe searching out the annals(records) of creation. In some of my early blog entries it is what I was attempting to do and delved into the physics of it. This may have appeared insane to some who may not have understood my thought process. In the beginning of existence there was energy, a continual flow of force and in many of the cases is immeasurable. From here I can create my own stories and direct its destiny according to these vast universal principles. It is also where there can be a point of healing.

Healing is being able to let go of the past. I am very bad at this as I have a tendency to hold onto injuries of things done to me- I can go way back regarding everything. It means that the hurt never heals and true happiness is beyond reach. It is difficult here as there are always things that can re-open wounds that can never let you let go of anything. This can come in personal relationships, family or politics in the Bahamas. One just has to decide how badly one wants to get over something. I was a cripple trapped in the escape of alcohol from all my anger and pain.These blog entries have become an open diary of my thoughts and feelings. It is now showing a process of healing. I think when you go through the understanding of whether you are gay or not, it takes one into great depths as to why this may be so. Could it have been for reasons of the past that have not quite healed. One can carry the scars of having that personal trust betrayed.Women are really treated as second class citizens here. I believed myself to be a healthy heterosexual once wishing everything that may come with it - children, a husband and family etc.... What changed? I have concluded that I had been conditioned to want these things and was hiding my true identity as a gay person. Human sexuality is a complex issue which we are often programed in hence the confusion when one is conflicted at a point of it. In the Bahamas, I grew up having allot of this dictated to me through our traditions and culture. This came predominantly from the family. Family is very big here and I was brought up to believe that this should come first before anything else. We later learn to conform to how society expects us to behave regarding that sexuality. It is simpler not to challenge these things within yourself as this is a scary process that can rock your entire foundation - it has!Why should two people just wishing to be together to find happiness offend anybody? I believe it is because most people are afraid of having their own foundation rocked within them away from these systems of controls that frame our identity. It disturbs their personal and collective mythology. This is a time for healing for everything and to let go as I wish to move on with my very short life. It is what I call 'zero' -i.e. cleaning the slate of the past and learning to reconcile differences with others- there are still many. It is a point of maturity and part of the process of growing up. I am out on a limb here and this may mean only something to myself losing itself in translation to others. I am still learning. My hope with these theories that I am presenting is to show the creative process which I am discovering by using some of the principles of Modernity. I had to approach with honesty my orientation as this was my truth according to what I believe is purpose, others may have another reality that relates to them specifically. Perhaps in the future this may be of some help to someone on their personal search for truth. I am an artist and have used the language as one for the most part. I beg your indulgence for those who are not as this may appear strange to you. I have tried to personalize my experiences to help explain my views. I assure you that I am a good 'sinner'.May the light of love follow you and be your guide to true happiness..peace, love and art...

Window Pane...

Eyes seeing past
a window pane
the bridge
between us
clear visions
holding reflections
of a glass image
of you...