Renewal and love...

I had become very jaded when it came to the matters of the heart. I think I had stopped trying or caring. I threw myself into my creative and interlectual learning and in all honesty I still am more satisfied with that than anything else.For a time I have lived almost like a hermit to that dedication of study. I believe I hid behind it for years.I have led a most unusual life. Love is essential to existance and as much as I love art, it can never replace sharing with another soul. It is hard for me to digest all this within my new reality as this is a scary process. I have a tendency to panic becoming afraid, behave quite awkwardly and clumsily. I am a coward at heart really. I have repeated destructive patterns in relationships so I really had to clear my mind and heart of the past rather than confuse another person with this unhealed self. I am in the embryo of an understanding of what it is to be me. I needed renewal and the ablilty to care again. I have become very personal now in my writing but to me this has taken on the journey of honesty away from the illusions I created for myself. It means being vulnerable to art which is life. It is reaching to the core of being human. I am an artist and this is the strongest part of my identity than any other facet of myself but it is time for renewal and love inspite of my fears. It means risking again. The body politic, a person's right to self determination and control over one's own body, is an important right. It is the final stage in self acceptance and confirming the right 'to be'. It is as natural to the human undestanding as anything else - it is vital 'food'. That is the problem many 'Catholics' like myself failed to understand. It is my point of departure from my faith which was, as you remember, my intial struggle. It was a battle!I believe I speak for many like me when I say this. So here's to love and may it be in abundance. It is still a gentle and gradual process for me -acceptance. May the heavens provide this food with love..peace and continued existance in its essence...