Mudda...and the Art of healing

I feel I have taken on the symbol of matriarch to some. Bahamians affectionately with respect, refer to an older woman as 'mudda'. I am 'mudda' to many it seems. Some have even taken to calling me 'grand ma'...I am not so sure I wish to be any of these at the moment as I am still relatively very young (47yrs) and my vanities will not allow this but for some I guess I'll make the exception. Actually, I never could have children, the moment has past for me unfortunately and really as much as I adore children ( I have a special gift with them), I am a sufferer of bi-polar and have always thought that it would be unfair to anyone to have someone who experiences bouts of depression or mood changes to have them. I have accepted this reality with myself and love from a distance as much as I can. I don't know if bi-polar is an emotional illness or a chemical one, perhaps a combination of both. I believe that many aritsts suffer from it because we truly are very sensitive souls and feel everything with intensity. I also have the additional 'gift' of seeing images and symbols which complicates the situation more often than not but I have been able with some hic cups, to essentially handle the situation with care and the support of others. It is no reflection on the inteligence of the person and really sufferers of bi-polar generally have a very high IQ and are very smart people. Many have become great leaders in their own right with proper medical attension -I create it away but I do feel very passionately about many things. I try to 'chanel' more properly now than when I was younger or when I was drinking. Many people who have bi-polar are also alchoholics. Nobody knows what can come first, 'the chicken or the egg'. I began drinking seriously in my early twenties along with many of my psychological problems but I also started experiencing my condition around about the same time. One should never feel embarrassed about discussing this medical condition because it is one where you can be driven into a state of intense isolation. I really don't mind breaking the silence about this one at all because it is an illness that many do not educate themselves properly in through fear and there is often very little support from others about the condition - some of those who may even be closest to you. It generally is left up to the doctors or psychiatrists, and really they just want to give you medication from which the side affects can almost be as bad as the medical condition itself. I am glad to talk about it as sufferes from bi-polar should never feel alone ever. It is lifting the burden of a condition that one often feels ashamed of - (you know you're not quite perfect). Just inform your self and the journey will become easier. You will find with proper care and attension you can live a relatively normal and balanced life with happiness and joy. I have suffered from this medical condition for over 15 years with desparate depression! I am happy now and it, like everything else, comes down to acceptance, love and care. The loneliness will end, I promise you. It means learning that you do not have to hold onto a pain that can cripple one ...peace and love from...'mudda' !