Finally 'Out'...

This journey of being gay has not been an easy one and I had found many excuses not to address what it was I was feeling inside over the years. I finally acknowleged what I understood to be a fact about myself which I kept hidden in secrecy. It is as if I existed as two very distinct people at times exhibiting traits of schizophenia. I have had to take my time to try and understand what this was all about. I took you through some of this process. I have the additional complications of being an artist and interlectual but worked through it the best way I knew how and that was with the creative process. It is the only way I would have ever understood completely what was happening to me with full acceptance. I meet gay people who still struggle with this- it is where abuses of substance takes place. I really feel at peace now having made this realization. It took many things for me to just be honest and to speak plainly about it. It has filled the dark spaces with light and I do not feel as if I am pretending anymore about anything. I can no longer sit on the fense or hide about this as I have revealed everything to myself and others. I see myself sometimes as teacher. I have been one for a long time and so the process may come across as that - I apologise if it appeared didactic at times. The important thing is that I was teaching myself about me. Buddhism is merely a place where I can center 'self' within a context of a larger philosophy which has to do with the earth and a natural learning of the world. It still has to do with the Universe for me and science. I am a critical thinker and common sense should always take precidence. I am incorporating many of the discoveries I made on my journey as part of this new understanding. I live in a modern world and must be practical. So far I have not adopted all of the Buddhist principles completely, merely facets of it. All are merely stories to me and I did go through the process of discovering creation before the point of the first story - it is energy and light before all else. It is geometry within a context of space, time and dimensions.It is necessary for me to hold onto that. It is freedom from points of infinity. I must maintain that blank canvas. I don't know who would fall in love with this scruffy, aging artist but I have a tender heart with much love to offer. I am 'out' now and happier for it. Still learning to breathe. Be of good courage on your journey. I really do love you just for being you...peace...