She...Painting by Dawn Hanna

She

wrapped

in the root

of tree

draped

in ebony...

Drum Spirit...Painting by Dawn Hanna

Fire dance
with the
drum beat
from coal
to ashes
in the Junkanoo
heat...

Black Silk...Painting by Dawn Hanna

Black beauty

rising

black silk

slick

with skin...

The Drummer...Painting by Dawn Hanna

Drummer
beatin'
a lick
on the
goat skin...

Under depths...Painting by Dawn Hanna

Under depths

carrying

wings

toward a blue

horizon

free

from sea

to sky

into a haven

of light....

Peace and luv...

I had two very distinct images this morning when I woke up and they were of the Sunflower and the peace sign. I began to get discouraged hence the 'There and back again' sign. It sometimes feels as if I have gotten no where after so much thought put in. I am still encouraged however as I have changed as a human being with much more to come I am sure. I have taken an unsual approach to seeing the world and my place within it. My blog entries reflect this. So peace to you and continue to strive to be who you are...with love...

There and back again...

Reaching...

I feel at times that when I speak there are very few who listen. I wonder if I reach anyone with my thoughts or if anyone hears what I am saying whether they agree with me or not. I felt I needed to share in my experience and offer some guidance even though I often groped in the dark and struggled. Does anyone care? I still live a relatively normal life and really not much has changed with me as I have always just tried to be myself. I was very afraid to make these revelations and be left exposed - I got plenty issues. Everything that I have expressed I have told from where I stand and how I see it, it is merely my opinion and what is right for me. I have learned that heroic deeds are done by the most ordinary people. I live, work and speak with these people everyday. I felt dis-empowered as a person relying on others to define me and what I thought. I needed to take back the wheel in my own life. I don't believe I have over complicated anything as I have very deep understanding of myself and the world I live in, it includes my spirituality which I have made very simple now. Perhaps my idealism needs some reality check as I am an artist who strives for unity with diversity - but have learnt that there are some people who can never change to adapt to this or face the fears of widening their own circles. It is an artist's job to speak about love as it is at the core and centre of creativity. I hope I have reached and touched you and in sharing my experiences has helped in some way. I think I do need to repeat that each has their own path as I have led an unusual life full of extremities. I guess what I was hoping that in claiming my own self that it may be of some help to another who may also be going through this struggle. This has been my way of reaching out to feel a part of a wider community as myself and not hiding through fear of them. Human beings are fundementally all the same and feel now I can relax with that knowledge. Peace to you and love....

Bach- Cello suite, No. 1: Prelude...

Bach's cello
rides upon a crest
surging forward
prelude swelling
rolling over
undulating
coils and cumbers
with the breath
of tide...

Sales up again!...

My sales down on the wharf are now beginning to pick up again after nearly a year of a complete drop off. I must say though that I was putting all of my creative and interlectual energy onto these blog entries and my painting there went into a down turn with very little creativity happening in them at all- it is still a struggle. I am a funny artist and my art often reflects my moods or how I am thinking, at times I got depressed - it is difficult to paint cheerful coconut trees when this happens. It is easy to get discouraged out there as my images sometimes become too repetative as I know that they will be the items that sell. I actually was at a loss of what to create while going through this process of self change and still continue to struggle through this block. I would much rather be doing other things in my art but I do enjoy being out there and painting always.It would be wonderful to get some feed back on what I have revealed onto these blog pages as I never know where I have gone or sometimes where I am going. They are full of interspection and I often feel as if I have become too personal on them. I have tried to be honest at all times. I am a hopless romantic and idealist which is why I believe in art and in its beauty, even when it is painful. So continue to wish me luck as I am still in recovery and each day brings another test...like today...peace!

Wings to fly..

A soul detatched

beckons

wings to fly

yours and mine

morphing

each

independently

existing separately

wings

free to fly

with the other...

Peace..it is always love

Desiderata...

(This is not my original work but it is a good philosophy which I have forgottten to carry with me. It is easy to become cynical in today's age but I am reminded of this wonderful piece of writing...enjoy)

-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.


With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Loving You...

I live
for loving you
I love
with every
moment
leading with
heart
touching with
imagination
unable
to resist
this call to you
A poet suffering
a love rejected
prolonged
and intense
unreturned
my beloved
this lament
meets
your protesting
heart...

The Magic web..

A Magic web
she weaved by night
squinting eyes
by candle light
she spun her heart
from out her hand
wrapped up in rapture
from the land
she wove the colors
bold and bright
within the gaze
of her tender sight
interlacing love
with moistened lips
hanging from
the threaded stips
passions swaying
to and fro
and with the weft
she motioned slow
casting a shadow
from her web
that streaked
across her silken bed
a tapastry
of magic lights
glistening wide
on a loom of dreams...

Passing of a dawn...

For Keva Bethel
The moon
shone silver
in the sky
over the ocean
from a Bahama bay
the end of a day
life and death
renewed
tropical sunsets
pass over the blue
of another dawn...

Many Thanks...

As I approach my 48th Birthday, I can definitely say that I am meeting the challenges with a greater sense of positivity. Since stopping drinking, I have developed a network of wonderful friends. They have been a tremendous support during this time in recovery. I would wish to thank them as they have become like family and those who I can rely on. I also wish to thank my real family whose initial step in tough love forced me onto this new path but who have continued with their loving support. In order to be love one has to feel it from others. I am fortunate to get a lot and always have but I am just beginning to appreciate and accept it from others. That is part of acceptance - being able to acknowledge that there is love around for you and that you deserve it. Thanks and much love...

Naked...

Painting by Danielle Frye

Finally 'Out'...

This journey of being gay has not been an easy one and I had found many excuses not to address what it was I was feeling inside over the years. I finally acknowleged what I understood to be a fact about myself which I kept hidden in secrecy. It is as if I existed as two very distinct people at times exhibiting traits of schizophenia. I have had to take my time to try and understand what this was all about. I took you through some of this process. I have the additional complications of being an artist and interlectual but worked through it the best way I knew how and that was with the creative process. It is the only way I would have ever understood completely what was happening to me with full acceptance. I meet gay people who still struggle with this- it is where abuses of substance takes place. I really feel at peace now having made this realization. It took many things for me to just be honest and to speak plainly about it. It has filled the dark spaces with light and I do not feel as if I am pretending anymore about anything. I can no longer sit on the fense or hide about this as I have revealed everything to myself and others. I see myself sometimes as teacher. I have been one for a long time and so the process may come across as that - I apologise if it appeared didactic at times. The important thing is that I was teaching myself about me. Buddhism is merely a place where I can center 'self' within a context of a larger philosophy which has to do with the earth and a natural learning of the world. It still has to do with the Universe for me and science. I am a critical thinker and common sense should always take precidence. I am incorporating many of the discoveries I made on my journey as part of this new understanding. I live in a modern world and must be practical. So far I have not adopted all of the Buddhist principles completely, merely facets of it. All are merely stories to me and I did go through the process of discovering creation before the point of the first story - it is energy and light before all else. It is geometry within a context of space, time and dimensions.It is necessary for me to hold onto that. It is freedom from points of infinity. I must maintain that blank canvas. I don't know who would fall in love with this scruffy, aging artist but I have a tender heart with much love to offer. I am 'out' now and happier for it. Still learning to breathe. Be of good courage on your journey. I really do love you just for being you...peace...

Kelly's Building...

Kelly's Building
catch a fire
this morning
right there
on Bay Street
down town
the people
set ablaze with talk
more jus' come
to see
Black smoke
fillin' the sky
coverin' the sun
over the Churchill Building
through the traffic
on lookers talkin' story
'bout why
police an' fireman
everywhere
'fire hydrants not workin'
someone say
' een had a fire like this
since the market burn
and Burma Road ' in 42'
another shout
'fire lickin' hard across
black and white folk say
smoke still smolderin'
this evening...

Only you...

My heart
is set on you
only you
can I change
the course
of this wind
spin it
to my favor
feel the breeze
of your smile
rushing with air
directing my soul
to speak every adjective
uttering nouns
of you
each other light
fades
within your radiance
if heart and soul
be ever enough
then I am full
from a deep well
I love you...

Race and the act of liberation...

I have tried to eliminate any racial divisions that may be present in my life. I am a product of an inter racial marriage and have had many relationships that were cross cultural. I have always had friends from many backgrounds. I believed myself to be 'black' as this is the community that I grew up in. They are predominantly who I relate to but not exclusively. I went through my identity crisis attempting to prove this 'blackness ' beyond everything else often being wounded by the fact that I could never fit in completely. I try to get along with everyone irrespective of what perspective the person is from. It is sad when these divisions causes a rift whether in potential relationships or other wise. I come across this often here and am disappointed that this may ultimately be the reason why some fail. It is sad and ridiculous that we still exist in such divisions in today's world. I have transcended them so am taken off guard when this happens. The concept of 'oneness' is that there are no divisions and we are all related within the human family. These divisive lines do exist though and it is wise to remember that there are some who have not progressed beyond this point. Although in the Bahamas there have been many strides toward eradicating these racial and cultural divisions, there is still a huge gap between white community and the black. I know this to be indicative of the people here as I have many friends from other countries who are white or other but find it difficult to foster these types of relationships in the Bahamas. It can get very political for me and people can be damned right nasty about the entire thing. It is extraordinarily limiting in terms of every body's potential with both communities existing in this stasis. There are some who just feel more comfortable with someone like themselves or are more attracted to them. It is natural I suppose but color truly is only 'skin deep' and everything else is merely patterns learnt. After having been away for such a long time I forget how these divides have historically and politically kept us distant from one another. It is a product I believe of our colonial past where the lines have been clearly cut. It is hard getting used to this all over again as these prejudices still exist here and people are marginalized because of it -each race as guilty as the other. The walk toward Buddhism promises another reality for me rather than to repeat these obnoxious patterns of behavior. It is learning to foster proper responsible relationships built on equality and the humanness of our connectedness. It is far too easy to pretend here while we hold onto our fears and ideas of superiority over the other. True liberation requires removing these lines but for those who continue to fear and live life according to them, then it is necessary to just let them be. Human beings are naturally tribal animals but it is good to remember if I am your enemy then it is my hand you need to complete your spiritual path and if you be interested in someone, please do not let a minor thing as race get in the way as there may be great happiness waiting for you. With regards to Buddhism, I repeat that I only wish to take what I can from it as I believe there are many truths in many things and many paths. It may still come across as a little bit of this and that...peace and may it be with love....

On the wall...

Miss Adderley
sat on the harbor wall
eatin' her chicken souse
and ju ju with hot source
she throw over the bones
for the fish to eat
but the birds
gon and catch it
She say:
"Babbi ten feet under now
only thirty eight
mindin' the ferry boats
all he life
drinkin' rum
from morning 'till late
and look a Tiffy
hangin' there
heavy in all
that Batik silk
watchin' Philippa
scratch her book
suckin' soda
like mudda's milk
and where all these children mudda is
singin' song for jus' a dollar
If I had ma way
I'd cut them quick
to make them run and holler
These tourist jus' een buyin' today
tings far too slow
ya earn little somethin'
to put in your car
jus' to make it go
I tired now
gonna work some more
for another hour or two
the good lord gon' provide ya
for your needs
for sure
but that's all he gonna do"...

Buddhism and freedom...

A thought came to me immediately as I began to think seriously about becoming a student of Buddhism, would I fall into the traps that I have done in the past with other spiritual paths I have gone down? I am very partial to Native American and aboriginal teachings but I was never a student. I grew up as a Christian and know that well but have attempted to respect and learn about many other faiths. I thought of the creative journey that I have just taken and this to me is about liberating myself fully. A fear came over me that I may be falling into the same patterns as before. Many if not all, including Buddhism is very male centered. I seek to deconstruct those orders in my life. Do women have a unique spirituality? I believe we do or rather we have been often neglected and drowned out by many. I am a critical thinker and believe in that process most of all, it is how I approach life. So I embark on this road accompanied with my ability to reason. The book I have begun to read is entitled 'Opening the Lotus - A woman's guide to Buddhism'. It was a gift that I now cherish and promises to be ' a gentle and knowing introduction to the ways of Buddhism'. It should make for interesting reading and one that I may embrace with a full and healthy understanding of my feminine ethos. I strive for freedom and wish not to place another cloak around me. This to me is about becoming naked in truth. It is my search for a greater understanding of the Universe within a culture of peace - this is liable to change as I chose not to be fixed in any particaular thing. Having said that, I respect and admire the teachings of Buddhism and hope to learn much on this new venture..peace to you, and love...

Philipa...

For Philipa

Gentle child
woman of age
Fox Hill gal
begs a dollar
gives in gold
a rock embedded
in a community wall...

Seaguls...

moving the sky
with wind in tail
and under wings
over the ocean's
endless flow
landing
on the harbor dock...

Freeing fears...

I really believe that I am reaching to the core of where my fears were really held which was about feeling myself in total body - the mind and the soul had to be unlocked. I have placed myself metaphorically along the 'shores' to reach beyond and once releasing myself, am free. Living with such fears is impossible to fathom and I don't know what kind of faith or people would deliberately keep one in them with such hatred. It was time to abandon it all and them to start living a normal life away from their contrivances. I thank existance for making me feel alive again. I thank the Master of creation for leading me there. I thank God for the creative world and universe.There is no longer a separation between mind, body and soul - all is one. I am at peace...peace to you with full love and acceptance...you are worth all the effort.It is love...

Releasing the Body...

By the Edge of the Sea...

Zen and the Art of healing...

I have begun my journey as a Buddhist but to give a title of a name for something that should remain nameless defeats the whole purpose so I shall simply call it 'being'. People are literally walking into my life who are helping me along on this new path. They are students of the philosophy, some whom I knew well but never realized their spiritual interests. I have to be very careful as I have a tendency to be far too competative and that is not why I embark on this road.I am considering the possibility of 'nothing' in my life thus eliminating all the lessons of the past - both the good and bad. I am no longer concerned with what has come before only in what is the now - I am starting at 'zero'. I thank you for letting me go through the creative journey to reach this point of healing. I can begin to relax now as the universe is providing a way. It was important for me to walk this creative and intelectual path as it has led me to this juncture in my life. Before I attempted to be all things to all people. It was my attempt at being 'universal'. I can start to live life according to my path which holds within it a unique DNA as part of an ecclectic make up of the world and the universe. I am finding my place at the centre of the circle. I am very exicited and have faith that real love will follow. I was not ready before doing this critical work on myself. I shall try to continue to be as honest as I have been thus far as that is crucial to finding the truth in happiness and peace. It was time to grow up. I believe I should be very proud of how far I have grown in the past five years with all of my trials and tribulations. I had many hang ups. Should your path be of love then I pray that we shall meet one day. May the heavens provide for you...peace, love and happiness...

Releasing the Shell...

The Body and a Mindful Soul...

It is amazing how I have allowed my physical body to deteriorate. I smoke and drank with additional abuses to diet etc... It is as if I had stopped caring about myself completely. Being an alcoholic does do that to one. I also believe that if one is struggling with your orientation, the body can be something that one is afraid of - that too is about love and acceptance. This is not true for everybody but it is for some. One exists in some sort of sexual shame, hiding not wishing to claim the body at all. It is what I called a part of being 'veiled'. We are so immature when it comes to discussing matters of sexuality here amongst other things. Everything is done or learned in secrecy, often manifesting in the wrong way. Perhaps things have changed in this day and age but the church did not allow for healthy discussions to take place around these issues in my time - people are still talkin' bush' stories. The hypocrisy of it is that they just ended up doing anything they wanted to anyway but pretended other wise. We far too often are guided by what things appear to be and not what it actually is. It is hard for me to take seriously any criticism based on sexual morality when very few people exercise it or have ever done culturally.The difference between me and many of these other people is that I searched my God and conscience on these questions of morality. I am satisfied that I have reached the right decision based on both. I believe it is important to be honest with one's self and sometimes it is hard for me to relate to some members of the gay community as this for me is not just about being sexual but encompasses a mind and a body which I hold sacred. My identity is much broader to include my spirituality. I am difficult but these are questions of intimacy so I don't mind taking my time to get to know someone. It does take a lot to trust another with this whole reality. Maybe this is still the 'Catholic' in me although I do admire those who do feel empowered to experience themselves with out shame - it is liberation. I have taken you down this journey of my transformation. I have been honest and frank. Was I asking permission? No, I was 'unveiling' myself once this realization was made. Those fears I held were stupid ones as they were based on the ignorance's of others. This is a process of healing after a lot of pain as I hid behind the cultural fears craving acceptance but if others are not prepared to see me as who I am then I must now leave them behind. I am not loyal to that at all and seek now to abandon all those things that kept me in conflict. How did I know I was gay? I fell in love...it is as simple as that. I also believe strongly in our 'oneness' as a humanity so the practice of Buddhism is perfectly timed with these other developments including my creativity. I will never understand prejudices but there are many people I chose to stay away from now because of them. If the 'Black' community or any other perspective ( Homophobia exists in all communities) chooses to deny people's rights then you should not be surprised as people begin to determine their reality that they should wish to stay away from you. It is your prejudices that is the aversion. This final journey I embark on is toward the body and a mindful soul. It is about providing a passage of spirit. This is a God given right that you have no right to deny. Not allowing people to be themselves and experience fully who they are is oppression of the worst kind and is anti God. What is 'natural' to you may not be 'natural' to others. This realization requires maturity and growth but do not expect for others to wait while you get there. I advocate abandoning those oppressive regimes and you...peace...

Soulfully tired...

I am soulfully tired now perhaps it is the flu that I woke up with this morning but I feel the need to change direction from all this physical work that I have been doing. It takes a lot of early mornings and effort to do what I do out on the wharf. I go to construction sites, collect the discarded wood to use then saw and sand them off to paint on. I may be getting too old to continue this pattern and have to transfer my art onto canvas again. I welcome the change. I do love being physical however but would like more to channel this effort into my art rather than around it with all this bother. Today I met several people who complained about all these homosexuals coming off these cruise ships again - I get it all the time out there. I threw up my hands as to continually challenge these attitudes is also exhausting - I just said to them there is something wrong with 'those ' people and walked on. That response does seem to make Bahamians the most satisfied. Why argue? People are just threatened by things they don't understand and wont make the effort to. I have brought my heart and soul to these entries which has encompassed a world and universe. I feel I have touched on a lot that really does involve me as a complete human being with mind, body and soul. It is not an easy path that I have chosen and is full of complexities. I hope I have explained them adequately as sometimes just encoutering our attitudes here can make one feel that all is hopeless so why bother even to explain anything.I have now chosen to study Buddhism with the lessons that I have learned to take what I can use from it - it is merely a journey. I have gone through this transformation in a year which has seen me give up drinking and change spiritual directions. I have fallen in love but it is unrequited - sometimes the soul is not enough. I think that happens a lot with gay people - I am a hopless romantic and can be quite unrealistic. I am not easy I guess just a human being that has chosen to live outside of anyone's box. I am selling my poetry down out the wharf again with some success, that too is creative liberation. Love and peace to you what ever path you take as each is unique accompanied with your right to create and direct its course...

Buddhist peace symbol...

Love renewed...

Love renewed
with spirit
to the core
of bone
charges like electricity
through veins
running with a chill
when you apprear
I patiently wait
for your sweet refrain
and boundless melody
becoming paralized
in your stride
passion stirs
like stars spinning
within your orbit...

Freedom...

Dharmachakra Wheel...

Liberation...

I feel Liberated now and free to think and create. I feel free to love and share in the intimacy that it brings. I felt in bondage to other people's beliefs and dogmas. I have loosened their chains that bound my feet and have carved out wings to take flight. I did it by claiming myself with love psychologically and emotionally. I did it through the creative process and understanding purpose. It is important to be honest with oneself and once finding that 'truth', have the courage to speak it. People are only guided by what they think they can get away with- it is how collectives and communities work. One can take hold of the bull's horns to claim that power back which was taken away. It is empowerment! I claim me with honesty and love. I am in co-creation with the greater universe, it is 'the body electric' ( Walt Whitman). My spirituality is very important to me but I can leave many of the Religious doctrines I have followed behind with respect - they have served me well on my journey and there is 'truth' in everything but I decline to follow any of them, Buddhism is a philosophy not a Religion. It is beautiful being free. I am able to love now completely without feeling the need to dominate as I wish others to sense and experience this feeling with me. It is about being free of fear and trusting in that process. Life will be life and bring with it its obstacles but I have learned that should not stop one from living it. It is good to be alive..be free and rise!...peace...

There and back again..

I often berate the work that I have done in the past particularly with my writing. I have always used stream of consciousness within them so there is a search for truth but I was seeing things from the measurement of the great poets and writers. I am a avid fan of Tennyson and John Donne, the Irish poets (all) and Russian literature. I am a romantic in my sentiments and admire the 19th century writers - I love the Modernists such as Brecht, Becket and Pirandello.There is a transcendentalism and questioning in all of their works that has helped me to understand this higher meaning I crave for in my art - they speak of liberties whether physical or spiritual. Even though they come from a different era, they touch on universal realities full of human frailties. I have done little correction to my work and it is needed but I plan to do this when I publish them in a book of poetry later on. My departure came when I needed to hear my own 'voice' away from them in finding my personal truth. This is the point that you are meeting me at. I had to leave some of these thinkings behind for awhile as many were very orthodaox and Catholic in understandings which is so common with English and Western literature- all is a path to enlightenment however and there is truth for all who search it out. So it is not merely an affectation in my previous works but I felt a vaccum in the process as it did not involve the physical me. I have worked out a personal philosophy for myself that I can now follow within my creative expression and life. I still love the great Classics and they will always draw inspiration from me. So I have gone from old to new and back again. They are all touch stones that have influenced my creativity. As much as I enjoy talking about myself always, there is a need for me to conceptualize on a theme and create stories from my imagination. I vacilate between the two. I will start again formulating this structure and discipline to my work but it was important to let go of it for a moment. Spiritually, I have settled on learning more about Buddhism as it is a beautiful philosophy free of the formal trappings of Religious doctrine. I believe I am being led spiritually to do so...peace to you...

Real Talk...

I wonder if I have become too personal onto these pages. I prefer to speak 'real talk' i.e. something that I am actually going through and to speak it plainly. It keeps me grounded in the experience. I do it with my art always. Everything I write or think about I experience in some form or another. I take my visuals from life. It is why I like being out on the street as they are real sketches that I draw with my imagination that happen immediately day by day. I wished not to over intellectualize what I was saying particularly with regards to my transformation and also with my alchohol abuse. These were very real conflicts in my life that caused me much confusion, I did not want to go beyond what I was thinking or feeling. Someone said to me today that I do not have a spiritual bone in my body. I was quite crushed after what I had tried to convey onto my blog of what I thought about life. I suppose if you know me I can come across as very simple, at times crass. I try to live life simply without the pretense and occasionally remember not to take it too seriously. I attempt to share in love with everyone I encounter and that to me is the most spiritual one can ever be. Everything else is just a guide by which to live by and I have touched on many things. My fears in the past made me avoid writing about what I was feeling or thinking and prevented me from expressing what I wanted to say. These are my conversations to share and talk through rather than formalize them in a style of writing. It is my 'voice' in real talk...peace...

Touching the Sun...

Peace and love...

Self-love...

Alchohol and dependency...

When you take the alchohol program at Sandilands Rehabilitation Centre, the first thing they warn you about is getting into any sort of relationship for at least a year. One is dealing with issues of dependency and it is easy to transfer those feelings onto another- many become co- dependents of another kind. It can lead one back onto the drug you are trying to get off of as it puts additional stress and pressure on the individual. It does not matter who the person is or what orientation. It takes about a year to learn to stand on one's own feet again and to re-intergrate oneself into the land of the living - there is a lot of fear. Remember I spent most of it as a drunk.It means avoiding people, places and things. I have virtually stayed planted in my coffee house everynight. It has been over a year for me now and I believe I can begin trusting myself to start a normal existance which means venturing out from the routine I have carved out for myself. I can begin to search out love again (if anyone would have me- I am still quite a physical mess) I have changed locations in my life now and am meeting new people and renewing old friendships - people with responsibilities. The places where I went before were chaotic with very little structure. I have also had to take a back step from the art world as there too alchohol was most prevelent. In doing this I have discovered that there is a life outside of where I thought I needed to be. I believed there was nothing else. It is time to take the training wheels off and begin a normal proactive life. I have met some terrific people and they are like family to me. I would like to thank them as they have been a tremendos support during this time. I feel fresh and excited about life and I believe I have something to offer now. I have said it before but it is worth repeating again that there life after recovery. I think I was probably drinking myself to death and now I wish to live as long as I can with good health. I really do wish you luck if you have fallen pray to alchohol or drugs. It takes confidence and courage to get back on track with your life. It means knowing that you are beautiful and worth the effort. Nothing is written in stone so you can turn the page and move on...continued peace on your journey to recovery...You are not alone, I love you...

Ghandi and his spinning Wheel..

Ghandi used his Wheel as an instrument of non-violence and protest against the British...

Full Circle...

I have come full circle with regards to what I believe in and my philosophies. If anyone has been a follower my blog and web page from the very beginning they will remember that I had much of these spiritual and interlectual understandings constructed onto it with full pictures and images. In a moment of insanity one drunken evening I had destroyed all of it including my original poetry writings and art work. I managed to retrieve most of it but much was lost. I did not bother to put back up my web page as it was too much work. Really, I had not intergrated any of this interlectual information or philosophies I had put onto these pages as part my life or creativity however. Now through this transformation, I embark on a new journey which involves all of it with mind, body and soul as part of my creative expression and spirituality...peace to you...

Peace Symbol and Dharma (Law and truth)

Today I saw two symbols one is of the universal peace sign, one I have used a lot on my blog entries, the other was that of a spoked wheel. I have never really seen the peace symbol before in my mind before today but the meaning is self evident. I believe I have become more at peace with myself and others. I think that is what it is all supposed to be about. I was fighting a war with myself and others. I was not at peace with anything. There is a calm now in my life that I welcome. The other symbol is very special to me in its meaning as I greatly appreciate Buddhism as a philosophy although I have only learned about it in small measures. The spokes wheel or Wheel of Dharma (Law or Truth) is the Dharmackra symbol representing Buddhism. It is the oldest known symbol for Buddha. Buddha never really wished a human representation of himself. It is a chariot wheel and has the number of eight spokes or more representing different meanings.The number of spokes on the wheel shows the path to enlightenment. I cannot distinguish how many spokes there were on my image but it was interchanging - I believe they started with eight. The circle means perfection in teaching. The Hub stands for discipline, the rim which holds everything together refers to mindfullness and the spokes symbolizes wisdom. The Buddha is known as a wheel turner:'he who sets a new cycle of teachings in motion and in conseqence changes the course of destiny.' ...peace to you...

Human sexuality and the art of loving...

Becoming empowered at a point of one's own sexuality is perhaps the most vital of realities for a human being. It is frightening and it takes a lot to risk and share in something so intimate. It involves your entire being. Human sexuality is power as it includes the body and soul. Far too often we have become abused in that reality, woman being the most vulnerable. We have had our sexuality exploited to the hilt and often by another's 'gaze' who determines how we view or value ourselves - sex being that measurement of acceptance. I prefer to see ourselves through spirit with sexuality as sacred. It is a scary process, particularly for me. I think what frightens people most of all about gay people is that they take their own sexuality into their own hands. It is not longer controlled by another's determination of what that should be and removes complete control from them.In the Bahamas and elsewhere hetero-sexual men have traditionally excercised more sexual freedoms than woman yet they feel they have a right to control and determine yours.Why anyone should be so concerned about what another does in the privacy of their own bedroom is an amazement to me but it is important to talk about these issues so people feel they are free to experience themselves fully within the intimacy of their own private space. I am just discovering that I have a right to. I am becoming 'unveiled'. Learning not to be afraid is being able to speak about it. I am still rather old fashioned and conservative but know this is something I do need to understand in order to overcome these fears. For me it is still a gentle process that requires sensitivity and understanding.I am not talking about 'pornography' but the possibility of sharing love with another. That should never be something to fear. It is a path toward independence and liberty that leaves control in one's own hands. It is empowerment!..peace, love and power...

Veiled...