A brief look back...

After a brief review of my blog entries for 2010, I wonder what people think of me. I do have a lot going on in my head perhaps too much. I am a recovering addict and much of this processing had to do with working out what was happening psychologically with me so that I would stay off the 'stuff'. It was about discovering why I felt so lost as a person. I failed quite recently in my drinking and had to take a week off to get my life back in order. This is an on going process - recovery. I have tried to be honest about everything that I have gone through. I can see at times my nightly entries were also about this struggle for sobriety in that moment. It got quite intense at times. I don't know if they all made sense. I believe they did but I do go rather deep into my thinking and expression.
I am gay but I am also very conservative which probably has to do with the era I grew up in. Much of my conflict arose from the religion I grew up with which is probably why I searched outside of it to discover other spiritual paths. I reached far. To me there is only love that matters primarily. They all say it.
I have worked all my life as an artist. I am a hard worker. I have had personal touches and experiences with the things I have spoken about in some way or another and have given much.
When I came back home, I felt so imprisoned by how I perceived we saw things here. I knew my continuing journey as an artist had to be about learning to liberate myself creatively. It is an on going endeavor - the result were these entries. I write about feeling in a prison a lot in my earlier poems and the need to free myself. I literally ended up in one for a night one drunken evening. Tonight, I needed a reality check as I have covered much in this liberation. I do feel freer now in mind and heart. I do not think that anyone can stop me from being me any more. Time will tell if I can find the perfect person I have in mind to be with. I wish to take my time because I have had some major 'fuck ups' which probably contributed to my drinking. Anyway, until such time, I am an artist first and foremost. I think I wish to talk about being gay again this evening. Where does this come from? Does it matter? It is what it is! I am aging and feel seasoned by what I choose to express. My latest entries are about healing through feminine energy. It fits into me being gay as experiencing myself as a complete woman, is what I was afraid of and have been rather androgynous as a person as teacher- artist etc.... I have returned to my 'root' as an artist which is working with the 'earth'. It is what I began with creatively years ago that set me on my journey. The image of the fetus and baby is about renewal and rebirth. I personally find earth culture to be soothing and gentle which is what i need in my life for the moment. It should be a wonderful process in discovery. It is a necessary step in me being gay and one I think I must first make on my own. I believe I have made some insightful discoveries so far on this course. Thank you for staying with me...peace...