Biggest Obstacle...

I believe the biggest obstacle I am facing about all these new and personal revelations about myself is having no shame in being gay.This is difficult when all around makes one feel that most of all. It is on the tongue and lip of everybody it seems. It is a hard journey to transcend all about you when your very environment forces one into self-denial. When I realized that I would never change or grow out of this, I searched everywhere testing out whether I would find acceptance within my immediate community and that fundamentally were with friends and family- the people I grew up with. I still have not had the courage to admit this to them openly preferring to live in the delusion of how they have perceived me my entire life. I think my greatest fear was disappointing everybody but I have lived in two worlds, the private world which hid my deep secret and the persona I have presented myself to be. Both are me although have been divided within the schism of my ultimate self-acceptance. I am courageous on my blog I think because I don't believe very many people read it but there will come a time when I will have to face both family and friends either by them just finding out or me confessing to them the truth...I have very little faith that my larger community will ever be able to accept this nor my right to be myself. It is, however, important for me to no longer live the lie that I hid so well over all these years. I had to speak it after all the awful, bigoted things I was hearing all around me and nasty presumptions. Perhaps one day I shall eventually find love because that is what it is about being able to love and love honestly. I have had one failed marriage and several bad relationships not quite understanding why they never worked out. I realize now that they were all destined to fail as I would never had found true happiness with any of them living in this lie...Today I take pride in my 'truth' although it may take some time to get used to the idea after being programed to look down on the very thing I have had to hide my entire life...it is those ties I wish to sever to break from that painful past. So for anyone who may be reading this and are going through similar struggles, I say be strong and take tiny steps but I think the first step is truly just self- acceptance....