It is hard to remain courageous during this time. I can so quite easily slip back into what was essentially fear and disappear into the comfort of my religion. It is still a struggle to accept that it is alright to self determine who one is. So many conflicts arise of how one has been conditioned. I think I have inherited them all. I really am too old for all this but it is necessary to address these things which I have avoided all my life. I think I may sound quite ridiculous to some who may not see what the problem is but they must remember that I am from a different era and from a specific culture who have their own way of viewing these things. I know there is no turning back now. I am a hopeless romantic and not very realistic about many things. I believe it really does come down to being prepared to change one's entire life and that is not easy for someone my age. I still get embarrassed to discuss this which I would prefer to remain private. I do so now to heal as a person and to speak through the silence I have held in fear. It is empowerment although it does not feel that way often. Today was a day further from yesterday and I believe I may have the courage now to begin telling people that I am gay. It is a big step for someone like myself who has a tendency to overreact to how people perceive me. It is my greatest fear but one that will be in the open and not trapped in my mind.
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