As for any more discussions of me being Gay....

Sights and Visions...

Back on track...

Well, we are back on track and my art is now starting to take a turn for the better after this brief hiatus. There is still a long way to go in getting back into the groove. The creative process is a great way to keep life alive but it takes effort and continued concentration. I am selling my paintings now. So, all this to say that I am gay. It really doesn't feel that big a deal now that i've done it. It is amazing that I let everything get in the way of this realization, practically all else operating in my life. Nothing has fallen apart yet and my friends will always be my friends but as they begin to learn will have to see me in this new light. Religion was my biggest obstacle because it cut right to the core of everything I believed including how I perceive creativity. I guess I can keep the parts that work for me and let go of the things that instill fear of myself. What is the most gratifying about all these revelations I have made is that I don't resent so much people who I believe are homophobic which many are here - some even close to home. I don't feel trapped nor do i fear them anymore. The need to escape is not so immediate and my drinking is lesson that self -destruction is not an alternative path I need take. I believe I have covered everything I needed to confront and really I am very private person and what is my business is my own business and nobody else's. I really should not have had to defend that at all.
This was a journey based on love all round. The most realistic lesson of all in all this, is whomever I am I still have to earn a living and work ...life continues! Peace, love and respect ...and breathe...

Sending down the Blues...

Sending down the blues
too long in these sad days
dark nights brewin' up
lonely storms
blue funk
dancin'
in a fool's parade
playin' the jack of all trades
except one
love
beatin' down the door
turn the lights off
lay in life's slumber
waiting for
tomorrow to turn...

A Place in the Sun...

(An invocation of peace)
A place in the Sun
lighting love
showers flushing
the heavens
dislodging dissonance
harmony rolls in tune
dying the heart gold
shine on through...

The Human psyche...

Art is the reflection of the individual human psyche. I would wish to think that this connects us all universally as part of the human family. I believe I have transcended my self sufficiently to show a journey of a soul - not a perfect one but one that strives for an ideal through the spiritual essence- love. I am human and fall short of this often. Sometimes I feel like rebelling by just eating a hamburger and hangin'.
The Sun is a metaphor that i use to symbolize a vision of hope and light. it is, I believe a part of the annals of the universe and a spark for creation itself reflecting divinity. With a clarity of heart that attempts to rid itself of hate and see love, this transparency gives forth rays of light from a divine spectrum. It is part of a co-creative force from God involving the individual soul from which all things are made. Music also emanates from these colors. We can create a dissonance or be in harmony. Both are necessary to propel the motion of change. I have just begun that journey so there is still much for me to discover and learn....so may the force be with you!
ps..it is ok to doubt. That too is human!

Dance...

Dance to rhythm
rock to the feet
feel the beat
pass through body
gyrate with soul
sway an' roll
move to life force
rhyming
in the street...

Prayers...

Prayers...

Old matriarch
praying fast
holding onto faith
a glimmer of hope
over a shadow's cast
and upon a ray of peace
she asks
'cast not thy eyes
away'
then weeping
in quiet supplication
flowing in the light of day
she crosses her heart
all full of grace
entreating God to stay ...

Approaching life....

Life is how one approaches it. I have sold out of my paintings everyday in the past three days after such a dry spell over these months. It probably is because I have been so preoccupied with all this I have revealed. I don't know what got over me but it is as if something else took over and I felt compelled to tell my story. It was time. It was my breath of truth. I have learned that one should never give up on life. I have felt like doing this often. Life is truly beautiful and short. Peace, love and respect...and thank you God for today!

Thank you for the Day...

Key to Change...

Well, its back to my art and an attempt at making money rather than all this blogging about my private business. I felt it necessary however. An artist's journey is the search for truth and there I was living my lie. I do not volunteer this information but if asked i will speak honestly. When you think about it, we have come far in the Bahamas - there is still a long way to go. I cannot blame my parents generation for what may be perceived now as their limitations. The Bahamas was very different then, run in small communities and I grew up with them and Church elders as leaders - many of them making such sacrifices on behalf of others. Who could follow some of their contributions? It is important though, in this generation, to expose and challenge bigotry. The best and most affective way to do this I believe is by 'being' first of all. For me, love will always remain the key to change. I was a complete mess hiding from facing myself and on a path to self destruction particularly with regards to my drinking. I am ten Months sober now and still vulnerable about many things. I too have a long way to go in so many ways but feel one day I shall make it to that 'mountain side' I often think and write about. Perhaps one step at a time...

Color me blind...

Color me blind
so that I
may not see
sensing only
feeling
know love
through heaven's eyes
no lines
in God's
broad blue skies
those eyes
set as stars
like diamonds
shimmering in
immortality...

Guide to being Gay...

I don't believe that there is a specific guide to being Gay. I strongly believe that each journey is unique as we all come from so many different backgrounds. I do emphasize this because when I began to realize my orientation some years ago, my immediate instinct was to meet as many gay people as possible searching for some definitive answer to what that was. I was thrusted into a world of books, intellectuals, meetings, political activism, Feminists ect...many are still my friends today but I could not help feeling that none of this applied to me and often felt the outsider from what was being said. Finally, I had to return to who I was with a sincere attempt to understand the things that had molded me as this is where many of my fears were held. Needless to say, I went around for many years confused not knowing what being gay was all about because there were so many others trying to decide this for me. I do wish to talk about this because this is also about self realization and trusting one's own 'voice'. I had black women insist that I should stick to my own culture, angry feminists hating men... the list could go on and on. This has also contributed, in all honesty, to some of the struggles I have felt in coming to terms with being Gay. The closest I can sum up what that means to me is from ~Euripides
'There is just one life for each of us: our own. ' -may it be a wonderful journey in the discovery of what that means to you...

Going Through...

Won't accept
anything
but life
gonna struggle
on through...

Besse...

Besse's back
washing blues
in Beale street
gin mills
bringin' the news
'bout life
how it is
brash and sassy
like nobody's business
heart sobbin'
with Muddy too
down in Memphis,
Tennessee...

Monk...

Beboppin' slick
on a piano tune
hoppin'
to the beat
transcendental
dizzy dreamin'
Monk
funk and groove
swing and fuse
cool steppin'
fast
in music reverie...

Miles...

Miles
coloring his horn
up and down
midnight
moon dreams
in purple and blue
urban skylines
polished dry
through ashy mist
holding onto
Coltrane
hard boppin'
saxophone
spinning a trill
and
talkin' consonants
quiet and pretty...

Life, Liberty and Love...

Challenging norms....

When I was in my early twenties just before I began to realize that I was gay, I remember attending a course in England where I first encountered an openly gay woman. Coming from the Bahamas where this was thought of to be an abnormality, my first response was to move as far away from her as possible. I became afraid of being any where near her. I was repulsed at the very notion. It was just plain wrong, I thought. She took it with a quiet dignity and smiled. I suspect it was a common response that she had learned to accept. I had just broken up from a long time relationship and in retrospect this was the beginning of a process of tolerance and eventual acceptance of my own orientation which has taken me over twenty years to openly admit. I later lived with a gay couple which stretched me further in this understanding. I was as homophobic as any of the people I now criticize maybe even more. What I realized is that I was bought up to be afraid of things I didn't understand, even the thing that was me. My point is simply this, it is important to challenge the cultural norms which we have all grown up with and continue with dialogue. There is hope and people are not fixed in stone neither was I. In my case, it took exposure and education. It took an honesty to let surface that which I kept buried through fear. It means challenging the very things in society and in your own home that has framed your identity in order to discover that autonomous self. I am still half way out the revolving door but know there is only ahead to go. So the next time you hear a homophobic quip could be, as Shakespeare would say ,they 'doth protest too much...'

Doubting with Faith...

Do I act naively
believing things
I cannot prove
intangibles
an ideal without
revelation
schizophrenic
hating at times
holding onto love
I embody
my humanity
frail and fallible
doubting with faith
life continues
regardless
and will pass
leaving a trail
of carbon ribbon
where ever
I have been...

Choice...

It is important to emphasize that I don't feel the immediate rush to commit myself to any type of relationship for the time being - still taking tiny steps. This has been my coming out story - weird, convoluted, full of symbols and images encompassing the world and the universe including my spirituality with some random creative pieces.It embodies that which is ancient and those that are new. I have tried to make this trajectory as simple to follow as possible. I hope I have succeeded. Love is essential to God and it is important that a person love themselves and feel that they have the right to love another whomever that may be. It is why we are here. It is the food that feeds the belly of liberty dearth of choice. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a well known Swiss psychiatrist writes. 'We need to teach the next generation of children from day one that they are responsible for their lives. Mankind's greatest gift, also its greatest curse, is that we have free choice. We can make our choices built from love or fear.'
Choose wisely....

Fathomless Seas

Who can measure something fathomless? It is eternity...

A DEGREE OF SEPARATION

Why are we so at odds
the separation between
black and white
rich and poor
Muslim and christian
how long we have come
to move so far away
from your humanity and mine
a degree of separation
a fraction between love and hate
what is the tide
that pulls us further apart
with the earth acting as a magnet
spinning on her axis
from where we stand
we chart our course to navigate our way
not knowing whether to follow
true or magnetic north
a whole degree from zero
one degree of separation
between your humanity and mine...

A degree...

A drop
oblate
lost in
fathomless seas
measuring zero
this law
applying to humanity
sees degrees
separate
or join
in love or hate
with the soul
as progenitor...

Bright morning...

Rainy days...

stormy day
sweeps in
washing clean
side walks
shop windows
down town
traffic
choc a bloc
vendors rush
covering straw
and wares
huddle
under tents....

Thankful...

Thankful
for many things
today
another day
bringing grace...

Blessings from rainbows...

Time...

Transitory
moving in and out
lasting a short while
stopping briefly
a fleeting fugitive
escaping suddenly
to the moment
resting on infatuation
a stave, an octave
playing passionately
sweet melody
now completed...

Old Piano...

Piano playing
smooth
jazzy
syncopated
rhythms
filling the air
in a
smokey room
Nat
Otis
Billy
conga and Violins
cling to finger tips
on
ivory keys...

Silent Victory...

I'll come
with silent victory
seeing the glory
it's hard at times
to keep going
to keep believing
to keep strong
no where to turn
So I'll push on
freedom brings
dignity...

Tomorrow another day...

Faith...

It starts the day
lasting the morning
bringing in the new dawn
giving meaning
and purpose
knowing all things
before it is known
it is the hope
from all things sown...

The Promise...

I am promised
blue
wide and full
I am ready
to receive
this prayer
clear as the night
and all its stars
soon
with faith...

Music Man...

for Luther...
Music man
soulful
soft in blue
rhythm
rolling rifts
off tongue
jazz man
Sailing
on a
vocal
symphony...

Focus...

I will now put more focus into my writing and visuals. This process was an attempt to explain what was going on in my head and how I spiritually saw the world and all about me. It is a complicated trajectory that I needed to follow. I used the language of an artist because that is who I am and how I see it. I can be quite the academic but have always avoided placing my artistic expression there. Life is far too wide to keep it in a box. I shall continue to live according to spirit and love, it is my inspiration...and if anyone reading this may be gay or not, it is important to be yourself not how another sees it but how you can determine that for your self. There are far too many obstacles preventing happiness and there will always be others who feel they have the right to decide this for you - everyone in the Bahamas it seems. It takes courage to stand out and claim who you are. The world and the universe is an empty canvas. I think it will be exciting discovering new things to create within it...

Dawn Victoria Hanna ( strange artist)

Love lifts...

Peace and love...

Rainbows....

Rainbows are very important symbols for me and I was graced with two of them today. One going to work this morning and coming from it. It traditionally connotes the promise and faith- the royal cloak. Life is about how one perceives it and I shall never feel impoverished ever again. There is much for me to be thankful for. It is the attitude that I must live. It is about being positive and grateful. The decline in my sales out on the wharf can absolutely be timed with the negativity I have been feeling about my self over the past four months that have been reflected in my work. I have been wallowing in self pity.I have more than a hope and a prayer now, I have a new day.

Dancing on clouds....

I know these are difficult times for everybody. It is important to keep going. I am thankful for whatever I receive...

Blue Skies...

Clear skies
all blue...

White Stallion..

I normally get images before I go to sleep late at night. It is often how I work with creative intuition. Last evening I saw the image of a white stallion running.White horses have a special significance in the mythologies of cultures around the world. They are often associated with the Sun Chariot representing power and strength. Some of these images I am getting are quite new to myself but I do take them as positive affirmations.

Clouds today...

Letting Go...

I take liberties
with my imagination
that frightens
not meaning to harm
I forget
not meaning to intrude
I won't
letting heart flow
now I let go...

Keeping the Faith...

I felt like having a good stiff drink today but resisted. It has nine months since my last and 'I've come too far from where I've been' to turn back now. These blog entries have become more like a daily log. I do not mean them to be but all is a process. Being gay is just a small part of what I go through every day. Survival has taken precedence. It has been really difficult during this time to continue as an independent artist out on the wharf. I think I am an artist before anything else. It is my life and reason.I prefer to do my own thing which has always made me quite the outsider and often find myself off on some tangent, life being my source of creativity and that can get quite raw out on the Wharf.I do worry that people who may discover that I am gay will react to me differently or think I may pounce on them- I won't I promise. The opposite couldn't be more true. I am so old fashioned and conservative and live a rather mundane existence which for the most part consists of doing my work, having a cup of coffee after and going straight home to prepare for the next day. I also have the additional fortune of knowing a large number of people in this community. I cannot hide. These revelations were more about facing fears and unlocking the ones in my own mind. I am sure that I may meet someone one day that would be great but that was not the the primary objective in revealing the bizarre mechanisms operating in my mind. All this will be hard getting used to even for me and people I know will either accept me or reject me. Personally I try to love everybody and hold no malice toward anyone. If someone cannot accept me that is their right and I shall leave it as that. So today was another day to keep the faith. It is going to be a long journey during these times and tomorrow I will have to face another day. God speed...

Breathe Softly...

Softly breathe
touch me warm
like rain showers
it is my breath
a fountain of wealth
I hold a cup
full...

Words...

Are words enough
this poor poet
lives false hopes
pretending truths
measuring reality
against desire
I proclaim love
but am more
impoverished
living the mind's
imaginings
is never enough...

The Sun shines on everyone...

Clouds today...

Renewed Faith...

I am renewed in faith. It is silly but this has been a terrible time for me financially. As I said before I have been working out on the Wharf selling souvenirs items while catering to the cruise ships that come into the harbor. This has been an extraordinarily bad time for business so much so that I was about to give up in spite of how hard I have worked during my time out there. Perhaps I am grasping at straws but today was my make or break day truly and may have been my last. I was down to my last penny literally as I have not made a sale in over two weeks and sales had dropped drastically over the past five months . Mondays are traditionally bad days and most Bahamians decide to stay away on this day for that reason. I arrived this morning with very little hope for any success but before I knew it I had sold out of all of my paintings by mid day in fact I wished I had more materials to carry on for the rest of the day to make more sales. This was a miracle to me as simple as this seems because it is well known that the Disney ship seldom provides much income for Sales vendors. This was proven wrong today and as ridiculous as this sounds an answer to a prayer. Moral of the story -it is important to keep going in spite of the difficult times and these are definitely times to be proactive and to keep the faith...sometimes you don't know how the hand will work...

Annals of the Universe...

Rising Sun...

This light shining brightly will blind...

The Artist...

Poor vagabond
tying
scraps of old cloth
together
yarn and ribbon
intricate patterns
hang on walls...

Morning breaks...

Morning breaks

over shore

crests of waves
roll in
washing coral sands
sky bursts with
color
yellow and red
into a new day...

Tomorrow another day...

Light House...

Voices echo
from a light house
grandfather's
lamp
as lens over harbor

Gift of Song...

For one who inspires..
I write song
speaking truths
courageous words
peaceful words
angry words
I struggle
regretting intrusion
always
to the other
forgive me
It is a poet's yearning
the painter's hand
Pierrot's lament
these gifts of song
you...

Aging Hands...

I grow older
living life
full
springing hope
with moments
at times despair
writing
a diary of dreams
Will they remember
where I've been
touching
with meeting
I've sketched it
clumsily
the artist
learning beauty fades
with time
but freezes it
in immortality
This aging hand
draws nearer
its youth
with every act
of creation...

Unrequited Dreams...

I slip into
love
life's big escape
in its entirety
forlorn
foolishly
to let go
of unrequited
dreams
too much for the other
it seems
a thought
catching hold
of the heart
only
one day
to love
with return
one day...

Coming Out...

It is hard to remain courageous during this time. I can so quite easily slip back into what was essentially fear and disappear into the comfort of my religion. It is still a struggle to accept that it is alright to self determine who one is. So many conflicts arise of how one has been conditioned. I think I have inherited them all. I really am too old for all this but it is necessary to address these things which I have avoided all my life. I think I may sound quite ridiculous to some who may not see what the problem is but they must remember that I am from a different era and from a specific culture who have their own way of viewing these things. I know there is no turning back now. I am a hopeless romantic and not very realistic about many things. I believe it really does come down to being prepared to change one's entire life and that is not easy for someone my age. I still get embarrassed to discuss this which I would prefer to remain private. I do so now to heal as a person and to speak through the silence I have held in fear. It is empowerment although it does not feel that way often. Today was a day further from yesterday and I believe I may have the courage now to begin telling people that I am gay. It is a big step for someone like myself who has a tendency to overreact to how people perceive me. It is my greatest fear but one that will be in the open and not trapped in my mind.

Clouds Today...